Yup.
Beside myself.
Know what I mean?
I looked up this phrase to better define it. Here's what I found:
"Why do we describe a distraught person as being 'beside himself'? Because the ancients believed that soul and body could part and that under great emotional stress the soul would actually leave the body. When this happened a person was 'beside himself.' (In an extreme state of some emotion)."
Have you ever felt like that?
Like you're two people living in one body? Like your mind and your heart are warring against each other? Like how you're feeling just isn't meshing with what you believe?
This sums up what I've been feeling for the last few weeks.
Gripped in a state of anxiety that is battling for my thoughts. And yet, holding on to what I know is true, and in what I believe.
Fearful thoughts and trusting heart.
Can they exist in the same person?
Evidently so, for this is the conflict that I've been experiencing lately.
I find this co-existence exhausting.
You see, I'm an interesting mix of feelings and thoughts. I have a big heart, I'm very sensitive, and I care about things deeply. I'm a feeling person.
But, I'm also a thinker. Thoughtful in my approach to life – analytical, pondering, ruminating – always searching for answers.
So, I have an interesting way that I'm doing life.
Something will happen. It causes deep feelings. Sometimes confused by these emotions, or feeling out of control of them, I try to figure them out. You see, to me it seems that if I can understand what I'm feeling, then I can manage and deal with it.
But sometimes life isn't that straightforward.
This year has brought so many things. And my feelings are out of control. At least it seems that way, for I cannot always understand why I'm feeling what I feel. And that just increases my sense of anxiety.
On the other hand, my faith is deepening. Gradually being strengthened by an unshakable belief in a God who is there. A God who is in control. A God who loves me without reservations – unconditionally – with His whole heart.
A God whom I love the very same way.
So, I feel like a split personality.
Two people in one.
The emotional person and the thinker. The fearful person and the believer.
The *wearied-by-being-me* person.
I'm hoping someone can relate. I hope someone understands. I hope there's some *two-in-ones* out there in Blog Land like me.
I do know there was someone in the Bible like me.
His name was Paul.
Paul struggled with the two natures that lived within himself. The sinful nature, and the Spirit-filled nature.
He knew what it was like to feel torn apart by warring thoughts and feelings.
"The trouble is with me...I don't really understand myself..."
(Romans 7:14, 15, NLT)
Two people…
Helpless and hopeful. Scared and secure. Confused and confident.
And, in the end, it boils down to this dilemma…
Sinner and saint.
Yeah, beside myself.
And yet, beside my Savior, too.
Digging in close to Him, though I cannot figure out my life or myself. I still want to understand, and I'm still trying to understand, but failing in both.
So, this is what I'm praying for:
That He will bring to my tired mind and helpless emotions the restful repose found in the hope that only He can offer.
That He will free me from my fears and fruitless worrying by reminding and reassuring me of the security I possess because of His salvation.
That He will replace my internal confusion and desperate need to understand myself with the confidence that He knows my heart, knows my name, and knows what He is doing.
And through it all, I truly want Him to become greater.
Paul understood that, too, and said it this way:
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
(Galatians 2:20, NIV)
You know, I think I'll always be a bit confused by all the paradoxes that exist within me.
I think I'll always be a unique (and often frustrating) mix of feeling and thinking.
And I know that the battle between my flesh and my Spirit-filled nature will rage on until I am made complete in eternity.
You too??
Take heart – we are not alone in the battle.
We are promised a High Priest who understands – our dear Jesus.
For He was also a *two-in-one*…
God and man. Divine and human. Infinite and finite. Humble and glorious.
The death that saved us, and the Life that lives on within us.
In Him all things come together and are made complete.
And someday, all the warring and confusing and paradoxical things that exist in us will be united and perfected.
For in the twinkling of an eye, we will become all that He has intended for us since before the creation of the world.
One day, we will be like Him, for He is coming back.
Maybe today!!
 |
Sometimes calm, sometimes mad, Sometimes happy, sometimes sad - Sometimes the person I want to be, Sometimes chagrined at being me. But I am saved, and one day I'll see, All that God has in store for me - And I will become like His loving Son, And the battle will finally be over and done! |
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding…Be not wise in your own eyes…" (Proverbs 3:5, 7, ESV)
"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." (Proverbs 9:10, NIV)
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin." (Hebrews 4:15, ESV)
"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less." (John 3:30, NLT)
"Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is." (1 John 3:2, ESV)
"And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory." (Colossians 3:4, NLT)
What is something paradoxical that exists in you?
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Beautiful Sharon ...just beautiful! and so beautifully said from the thinker and BIG hearted YOU! That is true! I will join you and pray those exact words for you (in italics near the end).
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this especially "Like how you're feeling just isn't meshing with what you believe?" and "Like your mind and your heart are warring against each other?"
Not alone ... He is BESIDE us! in us ... with us and He knows all this two-sided ness ever so well (great example given in Paul too) and as for you ... paradoxical you ... I pray that you no longer need to linger "beside yourself" knowing all this that you penned and all that you are experiencing in your emotions ... because I just can't imagine you ... beside yourself. But thanks for sharing the definition. May your anxiety and all this analytical thinking and feeling lining up or not with what you know to believe be settled in God's Word - His Truth and as you trust and lean on Him, that you will find some much needed rest and J.O.Y. will flood you; your soul and mind ... no longer just a sinner but a sinner saved by grace ...or like someone wise shared on my "sinner to saint" post ... "we are no longer sinners, but saints who still sometimes sin." Today in my thoughts and prayers for you, I pray ...
That He will bring to your tired mind and helpless emotions the restful repose found in the hope that only He can offer.
That He will free you from your fears and fruitless worrying by reminding and reassuring you of the security you possess because of His salvation.
That He will replace your internal confusion and desperate need to understand self with the confidence that He knows your heart, knows your name, and knows what He is doing." Amen --- for me too! Thank You Lord! Thank You that we are so unique! Thank You that we can join Paul and say "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Hallelujah! Amen! WE are COMPLETE in YOU and with YOU BESIDE us, it's not so bad to be "beside ourselves" so we then can step back and see ourselves through Your eyes of love and grace! No longer sinner or so mixed up; but a "saint" that sometimes fails and sins but knows that we know our Savior's mercy, forgiveness, grace, strength and that JOY comes every morning by the power of Your Holy Spirit ... we are one.
Love you Sharon (((hugs))) right through this virtual space to you with my daily continual prayers,
Peggy
sorry for the length ... I just get carried away ... :0) I hope that intermingled in all those words, you hear my heart is with you and for you; and if God is for us ... who can be against us. Not even our other self -lol! XO
DeleteOh Sharon...you are definitely not alone, my friend...I can so relate to almost every word. If I didn't know in my heart that I am a forgiven sinner and that God knows MY name...and MY heart, I would have no reason to go on....none of us would! I feel as though I could have written these scriptures in Romans 7....15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
ReplyDeleteI think that if most of us are being honest, we can relate to being beside ourselves, just like you! It is a daily struggle and I'm looking forward to the day when the battle will be over..."it will be worth it all when we see Jesus"...someone should write a song with those words! :)
Thank you, my precious friend for sharing your beautiful heart....love you!
What a great post! My favorite sentence is: That He will replace my internal confusion and desperate need to understand myself with the confidence that He knows my heart,
ReplyDeleteThanks for being transparent. Stopping by from Soul Survival link-up
Well, I can completely relate to this. Grace to us both as we make room for that which is already whole and that which is being made whole. Visiting from Laura's place.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this!
ReplyDeleteI think it is wonderful just how unique the Lord made each one of us, yet all believers have one common denominator who equalizes us all...Jesus. Thank the Lord that he is beside us too...Hmm, I imagine he is right there in the middle between us and ourself!
God bless you, my dear friend...With much empathy and love~ Lisa
Oh, I can so relate. I too am both a feeler and a thinker. I think it makes us very compassionate and passionate. And I too, find the co-existence exhausting. I love that. Sometimes I think that Jesus must be chuckling at some of what I do and say; other times, I imagine him shaking his head, as we would do when our children disobey or act out, loving them anyway. I just posted on FB today that I would like to know who invented Oreos because I would marry him and divorce him 1000 times over. Like Paul said, "I hate what I do, but I do it anyway, then I hate that I did it." (very loosely quoted). Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteI read your post early this morning, but my iPad was not cooperating with leaving a comment. I understand what you are sharing here and can relate very much. Following the teachings of Barry Bennett and others, I am trying to not identify with the feelings so much, as they are fickle. But the truth of what God's Word says. Anxiety tries to visit me at times, like you mentioned. I speak to it, literally, and command it leave. So often scriptures are comforting too. Friend, from what I read here, we all seem to relate on some level to your post.. Thanks for being so honest about it all. It makes us all brave.....God bless
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Sharon! I'm the same way. Sometimes I think I'm too logical; other times, too emotional. I've been "beside myself" the past few weeks too, worrying too much over a situation with my daughter. I did what I could do (and got a situation partly changed) but I can't change anyone's hearts, so I've got to get back to that logical side and step back now. So hard to do! Love you, friend, for your honesty. I feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon! I have never heard of that explanation for 'sitting beside myself' before. I makes a lot of sense. I know it's been a hard year for you, and it's so good that you can see how it's split you in two.
ReplyDeleteThere have been plenty of times I've been in the same situation. I think we are a lot alike. I find that faithful friends are so helpful when I am confused. They remind me that I'll always be in opposition to my spirit, because I'm human. It's okay, but the fight does get wearying! You are not alone my friend. We all get beside ourselves sometimes :)
May God bless you with his peace!
Ceil
It would be neat if Jesus were to return soon! I do feel like 2 people at times myself, Sharon. Okay more than at times, probably continually and constantly. I'm sure there are lots of us out there. It is good even in your besides yourself times with anxiety, your faith is still deepening and growing, not stagnating or regressing. We continue to always remain a work in process I do believe.
ReplyDeletebetty
I am going something like this lately. It's frustrating me in so many ways, on so many levels. Today was one of those beside myself days. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in this.
ReplyDelete"wearied by being me". Oh, girl you are not alone. That spoke right to my heart along with the rest of this post. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteNope, I'm not there yet either, just a work in progress too. On one hand I truly believe I'm God's masterpiece, created in His image, loved, pre-approved etc, etc. But then I worry that I won't fit in or fail or someone will drop in unexpectedly and see my dirty floors.
ReplyDeleteLuv,
Mary
Inspired.
ReplyDeleteBut what's new here?
I am beside myself beside you. How's that for redundancy? I related to this one all too well. I loved this part right here the best:
"The emotional person and the thinker. The fearful person and the believer.
The *wearied-by-being-me* person."
That is I.
For years and years, I claimed Peter as my go-to apostle because I am really and truly so much like him. I emote. I speak before I think. I make grand stands and have big falls. Yet, the older I get the more I think I'm like Paul. You have no idea the number of times in a given week that I blurt out with, "Oh wretched, wretched woman that I am!". I'm very dramatic like that.
Thanks for your words of wisdom today. Would have said this yesterday but got an unwanted and unpleasant distraction before I could. Oh wretched, wretched, life...
(And I wanted you to know that I actually TRIED to do a devotional post about those pine cones. It just wouldn't write. I had even mentioned you in it as a blogger who could do a better job of it. Lo and behold, you managed to do that in about a dozen words in a comment. I just need to hand up the keyboard and make way for the masters. )
Thank you Sharon for reminding us that at times we think and feel perhaps too much. I like to figure things out and find a way to fix it. However not everyone likes a fixer because they consider it being critical of the way they are doing it. What Paul said in Galatians 2:20 will take some deep thought to understand that a dead person feels NOTHING; so we are crucified with Jesus - - then an alive (risen) person walks, trusts, praises, yields to His leading and has no cares, because he (or she) has cast all cares on Jesus. Thanks for sharing this true story with us here at "Tell Me a True Story."
ReplyDeleteSharon, you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I hope that things settle down for you and you rest in the hope that one day, we will feel whole and integral. Loved this!
ReplyDeleteYes!....I have felt like that. Interesting explanation of "Beside Himself." Do you think it is possible to be helpless and hopeful, scared and secure, along with confused and confident but not be a sinner? I am often beside myself with those feelings.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon, I hear exactly what you are sating, sinner and saint. Thank you Jesus because in Him we are complete. Blessings,
ReplyDeleteKen
I think it's in these seasons of tension - where we're being stretched to our limits, where we're in the struggle, in the uncomfortableness, in the wrestling - that we truly begin to grow and to grow closer to God. I love how you're allowing God to guide you through this season and sharing how He's still your guide and support - even in the struggle! It's not an easy or comfortable process for a caterpillar to become a butterfly - and I think of that often as a metaphor for these times of struggle in our lives, especially as God is working on us through them.
ReplyDeleteOk. I DO think we are sisters separated at birth. I am the SAME WAY-- thinker and feeler, and lately feeling a bit beside myself. It's exhausting (and stinking confusing!)
ReplyDeleteKnow that I will be praying for that tension to ease, my dearest soul sister.
Sharon-Yes, Yes, Yes! Thanks for linking up at Christian Mommy Blogger. The post I wrote today resonates with yours. You said something like "weary of being yourself." I get it. Keep writing, keep sharing. Satan wants us to be silent. He wants us to stay in this hard spot, but Jesus is for us. This week Ann Voskamp said instead of trying to get rid of the hard thing Be Brave and ask God to increase your bravery in your hard thing. (Or something like that. I linked to her post in my post) Anyway, your writing today encouraged me me and reminds me that I am not alone! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh, dear friend! I can SO relate to all you said here...oh, my! Sometimes, I have felt like the only one who battles such things, but it appears that I am in GREAT company!! LOL! Jesus, Paul, and you...:) I have been praying for you and trusting God to see you through each difficult moment. He is so faithful, and because He HAS gone through these troubling things, He is able to "feel our infirmities" like no other. You are such a dear blessing to me. God bless you always. Sending much love and big hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI think we must be cut from the same cloth! I am like that too, and so glad that Jesus is beside me!
ReplyDeleteAs a younger woman I used to have episodes of anxiety that lasted anywhere form a few hours to a few weeks, especially as it pertained to raising children. With the passage of time it has lessened, so when I feel a case of anxiety coming on it usually means I'm out-of-sync in some area of my life ~ and usually it has to do with choices. I developed a little acronym years ago that helps me still: STRESS ~ Seeking Thee, Righteous Eternal Soul Soother
ReplyDeletehuman condition always conflicting stuff going on inside. And yes yes yes, we are His and that makes even the yuck alright cause He never leaves us in the muck. Happy Weekend Sharon. Love your insights.
ReplyDeleteHello, Once again you made me smile and helped me to realize we can all feel those same feelings. You do have such a tender heart! And God is using you with all your questions and thoughts. You my dear are seeking Him at every turn and situation that has come your way! Thanks again!
ReplyDeleteLove, Roxy
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteYou and I are very similar! I too, have been struggling with anxiety and am a deep thinker, which wages a war inside. Your post was an encouragement to this weary soul and I am so thankful you shared this at the Saturday Soiree Blog Party! I'll be praying for you!
Such honest, and something so many of us can identify with. I love the comparison of Paul and the comfort it brings knowing we are not in this alone. Thanks for this!
ReplyDeleteJudging by your post today, we are a lot alike! I feel deeply and over analyze everything! My favorite part of your post was the little poem at the end. :)
ReplyDeleteYour blog really, really blessed me. And the doggie with the remote is hilarious. Thank you.
ReplyDelete"For in the twinkling of an eye, we will become all that He has intended for us since before the creation of the world."
ReplyDeleteOh what a great hope we hold!
This post was loving and gracious, filled with truth. I relate to much of what you said.
Thank you for your words.
Girl can you tell you nailed it for a lot of us....just look at all the comments? I felt you just wrote my prayer I just prayed. I have been dealing with this and meditating on the scriptures about anxiety and also reading on how to control your raw emotions. I am in this boat. Thanks for sharing your revelation...........I have gleaned from it.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I can totally relate to this. Walking through hard seasons can be so exhaustion. Our minds wage ware with what our Spirit Man knows to be true. We are human, and have to continually align our minds and hearts with the truth of God's Word. Not easy, but God understands our weakness. Praying for you!
ReplyDelete