I MISS YOU, DAD

This week I will mark the one-year anniversary of my father's passing.

What a year.

It's interesting to me how God works.  How sometimes He prepares your heart for something in such a tangible way.  Sometime during 2012, I had a strong sense that Dad's days were numbered.

In some ways, it wasn't a huge revelation.  Dad was completely bent over, so thin and feeble.  And his mind was rapidly receding into a faraway place.  He'd had a couple of mini-strokes in the previous years, and his diabetes was taking its toll.

But still...

He was DAD.

He'd always been a large figure in my life.  Literally, at 6'3" and around 230 lbs., he was a LARGE figure!  I can remember how some of my friends were intimidated by him.

One funny story?

My dad's mother and father loved to travel.  And they brought home gifts. One year, they gave my dad a black silk robe.

Flash forward to one night when a couple of guys thought it would be "great fun" to drive up our steep driveway, ring our doorbell, and peal out.  Well, they drove up our driveway, skidded into a planter, and tore up quite a few plants that You-Know-Who had planted (Dad!)

The car's tires got stuck in the mud – spinning out of control with no traction.

Suddenly, Mr. Martial Arts himself flung open the front door!

At the same time, the car found ground, and backed up at 1,000 mph, sped down the driveway, and drag-raced down the street and out of sight.

Dad stormed out the front door and waved his fist at the departing hooligans.

Dad asked, but I never 'fessed up to who they were.

A few days later, one of the guys, a good friend, told me how very, very scared they had been!  I think they thought that Dad had earned his black belt!!  


I digress.

But this is just one of many stories when Dad's literal physical presence was such a comfort to me, such a steady source of security.  And it serves to convey how very difficult it was to see this Ivy League college graduate (who exempted all his finals), successful small business owner, one-time elder in the church, all-around BIG guy deteriorate.

And yet, as I look back, I think God was doing a merciful preparation in my heart.  I knew Dad was going…and soon.


A year ago, my dad took a terrible tumble out of bed.  

I was down visiting my parents, but somewhere else at the time.  And this day, my youngest son *just happened* to be working downstairs on a project in my dad's workshop.

I got a call from him.

"Mom, you'd better come here.  Papa fell out of bed and he's hurt really bad."

Well, yes.  He was.  Very bad.

I remember calling 911.  I remember the wailing sound of the ambulance in the distance.  I remember the unsettling and rather creepy feeling of knowing that it was coming for us.  I remember riding over to the hospital in the front seat of the ambulance.  I remember hearing Dad crying out in pain in the back.

I spent every day with him during his week in the hospital.

I went and saw him at the nursing/rehab place he was transferred to.

I got called late one night to come over.  My dad was thrashing and yelling and trying to get out of bed.  They thought that I might be able to console him.

I dashed over, settled him down, and rubbed his forehead and eyebrows until he went back to sleep.

Little did I know that these would be my last moments with him.


I was awakened at around 3:45 AM just a day and a half later, with these words:

"Is this Sharon, Mr. N's daughter?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, but he passed away."

The rest of the words are blurry.

I remember calling everyone in the family, waiting as everyone arrived at my parents' house.  Talking as we waited for my mother to wake up to break the news to her.  Her surprise at seeing all of us.  Me walking her back into her room to change out of her nightgown.

Watching her face begin to sense the truth.  

Hearing her words:

"Everyone's here.  That's nice.  Wait, did something happen to Dad?  Did he die?"

"Yes, Mom, he did.  It's going to be OK."

I held her.


These are just snippets from that time.  A time that came as a shock, but not a surprise.  You see, I feel that God had prepared me.  And when the moment finally arrived, I was upheld with a strength that could only have come from Him.

This week will mark the one-year anniversary of the day that my dad died. And yet, it really marks the day when he entered the presence of our Lord.

One year later, that makes all the difference!


I miss you, Dad, and I always will, until we meet again.


My poem for you, today.


I MISS YOU, DAD

Through life and death, I have seen it all
From the joy of celebration to the gray of death's pall,
And when the time came to say goodbye
There were moments when I wished that I could die.

For pain wounded sharp, with slashing blows
Bringing times when my hope was dashed so low,
Moments when the ache in my heart burned deep
Moments when the grief kept me from sleep.

But now a year later, I pause to recall
That your death wasn't death, not really at all,
For on that day when you left us behind
In truth our dear Lord was just being kind.

For He released you from the shell of decay
He brought you to Him on your homecoming day,
And though I will miss you every day that I live
I know there is a future that God has to give.

We will see each other once again I know
When in the Light of Heaven our faces glow,
And I will have joy, just as you do now
No more furrows will wrinkle my brow.

Freed by grace, enwrapped in love
One day I will join you in the sky above,
And then all my sorrow will fade and cease
For I will experience the depth of God's peace.

So until that day, Dad, I will hold you dear
And fight the battle against the power of fear,
For I know that there is something more to death
Than just the mere ending of earthly breath.

There is wonder when we reach Heaven's door
A beginning, a new start, and oh so much more,
For reality begins when we leave this land
Reality begins when God takes our hand.

Through life and death, I have seen it all
From the joy of celebration to the gray of death's pall,
But even though I've had to say goodbye
I know that truly, we will never die!


© Sharon Kirby
December 31, 2014

Do not grieve,
my dearest daughter.
We will meet
again! 

"My purpose in writing is simply this: that you who believe in God's Son will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you have eternal life, the reality and not the illusion." (1 John 5:13, The Message)

"...in fact, Christ has been raised from the dead.  He is the first of a great harvest of all who have died...now the resurrection from the dead has begun through another man...everyone who belongs to Christ will be given new life." (1 Corinthians 15:20, 21, 22, NLT)

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died." (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, NLT)

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.  He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'  And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" (Revelation 21:3-5, ESV)


Here's the Truth that serves as the beginning and the end, the *bookends* of our HOPE:

"Jesus said, 'It is finished.'" (John 19:30, NIV)

"'It is done!  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.'" (Revelation 21:6)



How does the hope of Heaven bring peace to you today?



Linked with:

SHARING HIS BEAUTY, PLAYDATES WITH GOD, UNFORCED RHYTHMS, MONDAY'S MUSINGS, MONDAYS AT SOUL SURVIVAL, MAKE A DIFFERENCE MONDAY, GOOD MORNING MONDAYS, SOLI DEO GLORIA, TELL ME A TRUE STORY, TITUS 2 TUESDAYS, TESTIMONY TUESDAY, TUESDAY TALK, UNITE, A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS, WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS, CAPTURE YOUR JOURNEY, TEACHING WHAT IS GOOD, THREE WORD WEDNESDAY, COFFEE FOR YOUR HEART, TELL HIS STORY, WISE WOMAN, COFFEE AND CONVERSATION, SO MUCH AT HOME, WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY, THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY, LITTLE THINGS THURSDAY, EVERYDAY JESUS, HEARTS FOR HOME, GRACE AT HOME, SHINE, THRIVING THURSDAY, THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS, FRIENDSHIP FRIDAY, MISSIONAL WEEKEND, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAYS, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAY, SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS, FAITH FILLED FRIDAY, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, MAKE MY SATURDAY SWEET, FAITH & FELLOWSHIP, A GROUP LOOK, GRACE & TRUTH, STILL SATURDAY, SATURDAY SOIREE, WEEKEND BREW, RECOMMENDATION SATURDAY, SUNDAY STILLNESS, GIVE ME GRACE



BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

RECAP: 2014 - MY YEAR OF JOY

Word for the Year.

It's kind of a fun tradition in Blog Land.

When I first came across the idea, I liked it.  Mostly because I love words. Words have meaning and importance.  Words can shape and mold.  And so, I liked the idea of having a word that would become the *theme* of my year.

But, I wanted God to pick it.

I didn't want to "hedge my bets" and pick a word that I wanted.

I wanted Him to speak.

And He did.

In 2011, my first full year of blogging, He gave me the word: Determined. And indeed, that year was one in which I set my mind to achieve some goals (with His help, of course), and a year in which I became determined to follow Him even more closely.

In 2012, He gave me the word: Overcome.  And indeed, that year was one in which I had to overcome many things.  It was the year I moved, after 29 years living in one place, to completely new and unfamiliar surroundings.  It was a year when I overcame (with His help, of course), feelings of loneliness, and isolation, and homesickness.  A year in which I overcame obstacles that kept me from following Him even more closely.

In 2013, He gave me the word: Direction.  And indeed, that year was one in which I learned that God had a definite direction for me.  At first, I was desperate for a "direction" to go.  I wanted a ministry, an impact, a greater footprint in the world.  But, what God taught me (with His help, of course) was this – His direction was not about a path, but a Person.  It was a year that I learned the direction He had for me was, "Follow Me closer."


In 2014, I was floored by my new word.

It arrived unexpected, and if I might be so honest, unwelcome.

JOY.

I experienced great angst over the word joy, (I know – supreme irony).

Someone left me a comment on that very first post.  It hit me hard.

Her words:

"Sharon, I should probably not tell you that "joy" was my word for 2012.  I actually had a theme: 'Ain't nobody gonna steal my joy.'  And then I went on to have the toughest year of my life. 

He definitely led me back to that Scripture in James that says, 'Count it all joy when you face various trials...'"


Yes, her words resonated strongly with me.

For two things immediately came to my mind when I heard the word JOY.

The first was this:

"Really, Lord?  Me??  Joy?  You do know who I am, right?"

You see, I am not known by my happy-go-lucky, constantly upbeat, optimistically rose-colored look at the world.  Ask my family, they most often know me as a doomsday what-iffer, a woe-is-me grumbler, a glass-half-empty-when-I-can-even-see-a-glass pessimist.

A Nervous Nellie, and a Nora Naysayer.

And so, this word did not feel good.  It felt just like my jeans do lately.  Too tight, uncomfortable, pinching in all the wrong places.  And, quite frankly, just like my jeans lately, I had no interest in putting on the garb of Joy.

Which leads me to my second thought.

I figured that God has a way of teaching you things in unusual ways.  If you want more faith, He'll probably bring you more trials.  If you want more patience, He'll probably litter your path with frustrating circumstances and aggravating people.

And so I figured that if God was going to teach me about Joy, He was probably going to do it through pain.

Little did I know that the very same day my *announcement post* published, Monday, January 6th, my journey of Joy was indeed going to begin with pain.

That is the day that my father fell, badly, and ended up in the hospital.

And just ten days later, he died.

The words of that very wise commenter echoed inside of me.

Indeed, this was going to be a very difficult and painful year.

I remember looking at the heavens and asking God, "Why did You give me this word?  Why are You testing me so soon?"

Truthfully?  Sometimes I just want to stay off the enemy's radar.  I don't want to learn the tough lessons.

And though I might have roused myself to want to learn about Joy, I did NOT want to learn it in this way.

But God…He has other plans, other ways.

And in them we must rest.


So, here I am, almost a full year later.  And I would like to share some of my thoughts on the word JOY.

I hope I have learned His lessons well.


1) Joy is not happiness.

This might seem like a "duh" thought.  I have always known this concept to be a fact, at least intellectually.  But, learning this truth internally, in the very depths of my heart, had to be learned when I felt sad, when I was singularly unhappy, when I was grieving.  Joy had to be something deeper, or it would die, a victim of outside circumstances just like happiness perishes at the whim of turmoil and strife.  I had to find out that there was something more powerful than the fleeting experience of happiness.

Lo and behold, JOY was there.


2) Joy is not a feeling at all.

This was a big revelation.  I knew that joy was not happiness, but I still thought it was something that would emerge in the realm of my emotions. What I ended up finding out is that it is instead a frame of mind.  A chosen path of my will.  It is a position we take, in spite of the onrush of overwhelming and indiscriminate feelings that wash and crash upon the shores of our hearts.  I had to let go of my emotions.

Lo and behold, JOY was there.


3) Joy is revealed when we least feel like feeling it.

Yup.  As I said before, I did not want this word.  And certainly, I did not want to feel it when I wasn't *feeling it*.

Some of the moments in this year's journey?   Spooning food into my dad's mouth.  Trying to speak sense to a man who had fallen deep into dementia. Rubbing his brow, trying to return him, amidst thrashing and yelling, back to sleep.  Getting a call at 3:45 AM to tell me he was gone.  A funeral.  Going through his things.  Seeing his shoes under his workbench.  Caring for an increasingly helpless and confused mother.  Doing mindless and tiresome and menial chores.  Mourning the loss of "what was."  Confusion, confrontation, conflict.

There have been countless other things, too.  Personal stuff, financial stuff, health stuff.  Stuff that has brought the most brutal anxiety that I have ever felt.  Days when I thought I could not take another step.  Nights when I could not sleep.

Lo and behold, JOY was there.


4) Joy is not about us.

Uh, yeah.  One thing I learned is how much work God still needs to do inside of me to rid me of ME!  I truly thought that this whole joy journey was going to be about me.  Changing and re-forming me.  Shaping me.  Refining me. Transforming me.  And in many ways, this is what the journey was about, for sure.  But, at the end of the day, joy is not about me.  It's about Jesus.  He is the Source, and the Fount, and the Continuing River of Joy.

I learned that JOY is all about this one unchanging fact in my life.

Jesus, Only You.

And when I got my focus off of myself, and instead fixed my eyes upon the Savior…

Lo and behold, JOY was there.


5) Joy is created when we understand grace.

Grace – the awesome and incomprehensible Gift.

I'm convinced that most of us do not fully understand grace.  And that's because most of us don't understand the full horror of our sin.

Thankfully, because of Jesus, we don't have to.

If we so choose, we will never have to experience what it means to be completely separated from God.  Only Jesus, the perfectly sinless One, ever understood the black void of having God turn His back.

Grace is the offer made to us – the free gift of salvation.

And, when we understand and accept grace, when we receive the gift of redemption, when we comprehend the undeserved offer of forgiveness…

…when I fully contemplated the immensity of it…

Lo and behold, JOY was there.


6) Joy is the handmaiden of hope.

Hope is inextricably intertwined with Joy.  The two go hand-in-hand.  For it is the hope of God that brings us joy.  And it is His presence that brings me the uplifting sense of joy, bought by love, offered through grace, and upheld by the assurance of confident hope.

I spent a great amount of time this past year contemplating the thought that God is both before me and behind me.  What does this mean?

Considering the fact that my father's death was the biggest event of the year, and its most un-joy-full moment, I use this as a benchmark to evaluate this idea.

To me it means this:  God went before me into the difficult days of my father's injury and subsequent passing.  The Lord was there before I got there, and led me through it all.  How was He behind me?  On days when I was tempted to look back, and to question decisions, or regret negative thoughts, the Lord was also there.  His gentle hand told me to stop – don't go back – those days were also covered by Him.

So, before me ("Don't worry about the future, child") and behind me ("Don't dwell in the past, child") – HE IS THERE.

When I remember this…

Lo and behold, JOY is there.

7) Joy is anchored in eternity.

Though joy can be experienced in the here and now, its true value is rooted in eternity.

That is why Peter counsels us to look at the big picture, the long view.  He acknowledged that this life is full of trials.  Peter told us the truth.  But then he told us the Truth.  He encouraged us "to be truly glad" in our suffering and tribulation.

Why?

Because there is wonderful Joy ahead.

For our faith will bring much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

When I think about the sadness in this world, and how so many hearts are broken – and sometimes, even my own – I could be overcome with defeat and despair.  But when I look at the promise of Heaven, and an eternity with the Lord and faithful loved ones who have gone on ahead (including my dad, whom I will see again), I smile.

For though this life is hard, when I look to the sky…

Lo and behold, JOY is there.

I know this post is long, and I hope I'm not rambling.  But it's so important for me to reflect upon this year of JOY, and I hope in my reflecting, you find something of what JOY can mean for you.

Joy for me most often wasn't the big *cymbal* moment.  It was rather like the tiny tinkling of a bell, heard in the middle of difficult circumstances, sounding a quiet but reassuring message of hope.

I love the scene with Elijah and the Lord.

Sometimes I find myself wanting the "big" appearance of God, coming like a thunderstorm to fix everything that is wrong in my life.  But, more often than not, He arrives in a whisper.  But, a whisper can only be heard when someone has drawn very, very close to Him.  With God, that is more than enough.

For me, joy very often creeped – but it also seeped into every crevice of pain, and filled me up with the Love of God!


Yes, for my most difficult year, God chose the word Joy for me.

And He gave me Joy in ways I could not have fathomed beforehand. 

I didn't see it fully until now.  In the looking back I see.  I see Him.  His hands.  With Him nothing is wasted.  He used it all – the heartaches, the tears, the doubts, the suffering, the trials, the sleepless nights, the indeterminable days, the confusion, the fears, the endless questioning.

He used it all to teach me the fullest meaning of Joy, as only His heart could reveal it.

Joy is more than what I thought it was.  

And I have been blessed in the expanding.


Yes, this past year of my JOY journey was fraught with crazy and difficult circumstances.  

And I often wondered, "Really, Lord?  This is what joy is all about?"

And yet, as I look back, I see that He has quietly answered...

"Yes, this is what it’s all about.  It's about seeing Me."


What is it that I want from God?

Or do I really just want God?

There's a big difference.  And I am pondering the differences, and what a difference it will make if I only seek God for the sheer pleasure of knowing Him.

For indeed, when I seek Him…

Lo and behold, JOY is there!


Jesus, Only You!

Yes, amen, yes. 

Wrong will be right,
when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar,
sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth,
winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane,
we shall have spring again.

"We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen.  We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands.  He is the Word of life.  This one who is life itself was revealed to us, and we have seen him.  And now we testify and proclaim to you that he is the one who is eternal life...We are writing these things so that you may fully share our JOY.

This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all...if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin." 
(From 1 John 1, NLT)

"Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your JOY." (John 16:22, NIV)

"And a great road will go through that once deserted land.  It will be named the Highway of Holiness.  Evil-minded people will never travel on it.  It will be only for those who walk in God's ways; fools will never walk there...Only the redeemed will walk on it.  Those who have been ransomed by the LORD will return.  They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting JOY. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with JOY and gladness." (Isaiah 35:8-10, NLT)




What was your word for 2014, and what did you learn?




Linked with:

SHARING HIS BEAUTY, PLAYDATES WITH GOD, UNFORCED RHYTHMS, TELL ME A TRUE STORY, TITUS 2 TUESDAYS, MONDAYS AT SOUL SURVIVAL, UNITE, MAKE A DIFFERENCE MONDAY, GOOD MORNING MONDAYS, TESTIMONY TUESDAY, CHATTING AT THE SKY, WINSOME WEDNESDAY, A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS, WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS, TELL HIS STORY, TEACHING WHAT IS GOOD, THREE WORD WEDNESDAY, SO MUCH AT HOME, COFFEE FOR YOUR HEART, COFFEE AND CONVERSATION, THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS, FRIENDSHIP FRIDAY, HEARTS FOR HOME, FAITH FILLED FRIDAY, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAYS, A GROUP LOOK, FAITH AND FELLOWSHIP, SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS,  FELLOWSHIP FRIDAY, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, SATURDAY SOIREE, STILL SATURDAY, WEEKEND BREW, SUNDAY STILLNESS, MISSIONAL WEEKEND, GIVE ME GRACE



BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

CODE TO JOY

First of all, I have to thank all of you…

Thank you for your outpouring of well-wishes, encouragement, great counsel, and most of all, for your prayers.  I was humbled and blessed by the presence of all of you as you responded to my post from last week.  It is a tremendous blessing to know that the journey of Christian faith is walked in community.  And I am grateful that I share my steps with faithful soldiers in Blog Land!!  Again, thank you!

Not only did your prayers help me with the anxiety, I believe that they also led directly to an important insight.

As I mentioned, my Word for 2014 is JOY.

And I believe that God gave me a nugget of Truth from His Word just the other day on that exact subject.

Backstory…

I bought a parallel Bible last week on a certain internet site – (Hint, hint: Some big river in South America…)

And when it arrived, I thought I would *break it in* by doing a Bible Pick 'Ems.  (A "Bible Pick 'Ems" is when I randomly open my Bible and read the two pages I've turned to – and then wait to see what God has to say).

Well, at first I was discouraged, because once again I landed in Chronicles! However, God can speak anywhere in His Word, and I believe He did to me.  Here's the passage:

"…it was the duty of the trumpeters and singers to make themselves heard in unison in praise and thanksgiving to the LORD…and when the song was raised, with trumpets and cymbals and other musical instruments, in praise to the LORD,

'For he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever,'

…the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud…for the glory of the LORD filled the house of God."  (2 Chronicles 5:13, 14, ESV)


At first I tried to imagine that scene.

Can you imagine it???

It says that the "priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud." God's awesome glory arrived, and everything came to a standstill.

Were people frightened?  I think so.  An almighty God is a force to be revered in humble fear and awe.

So I picture the roaring and thunderous arrival of God, and the people hushed.  God had returned in full force to live among His people again.

Yup, glory is a good word for that!


But here's where God personalized the message for me.

He gave me an insight into the order of how this occurred.

1)  WHEN the song was raised
2)  IN PRAISE to the Lord
3)  THEN the glory of the Lord arrived and filled the Temple


Hmmm.

Here's what I got to thinking about, specifically as I've been wrestling with the concept of JOY, of what it means and how it arrives.

I'm wondering.

Is God waiting for my first move?

You see, that important word *when* kept jumping out to me.  WHEN the people raised their voices in songs of praise to the Lord, THEN He arrived and filled the Temple.

Is this a key to the concept of JOY?

Of course we know that as believers we have the Spirit of God living within us. We are His temple now.  So, He's there.  But perhaps, just perhaps, His JOY cannot arrive until I open the door through praise.


Another word picture.

We live in the mountains, up a winding switchback road.  But before you can come up this road, you have to enter a coded gate.  (Trust me, I see the irony of living "out in the boonies" but still behind a gate…)

So, the road is there all the time.  But, you can't get in unless you know the code.

Is it like this with the Holy Spirit and joy?

Is He there all the time, just waiting to arrive with joy, but waiting for us to open the gate?  And is the *code* that opens the gate – praise?

I truly felt like the Lord spoke something wonderfully true to me here.

Yes, the key to joy is praise.

Now, in the midst of struggles and strife, it is sometimes near impossible to feel happy.  But we're not asked for that.  We are called to praise God, in the midst of everything.

But I am also seeing in these verses, what we are to use as the basis of our praise.  I'm not sure that God expects us to be thankful for the struggles and strife.  We don't have to like it much when we’re overwhelmed by life.

But, we can always, always praise HIS character.

And that's what the Israelites did.

"For He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever."

Can I do this?  Can you?

Yes, I can answer YES!

Even if I'm really nervous, or really afraid, or really hurting, or really anything…I can still turn to the sky and raise my voice in praise to the One who is GOOD, and LOVING, and STEADFAST.

The One whose faithfulness endures FOREVER.

The key to joy is not found in the surrounding circumstances, it's not found in WHAT'S going on.  The key to joy is found in the character of our Lord, it's found in the WHO we turn to in the middle of all of it.

The unchanging One.  The One who never slumbers nor sleeps.  The One who sits on the throne.

The One.


So, Lord, here I am.  

Raising my voice in praise to Your name for who You are, and for who You are to me.

I'm entering the code to the gate…

I can hear it open up…

And I am waiting eagerly for Your presence to fill the temple of my heart.


JOY is driving up the road…

Looking for JOY
in all the right places!

(*Look closely - I'm there in the middle of the road!*) 

"Sing a new song to the LORD,
for he has done wonderful deeds.
His right hand has won a mighty victory;
his holy arm has shown his saving power!
The LORD has announced his victory
and has revealed his righteousness...
He has remembered his promise to love and be faithful...
The ends of the earth have seen the victory of our God.
Shout to the LORD...
break out in praise and sing for joy!
Sing your praise to the LORD...
Make a joyful symphony before the LORD, the King!"  

(From Psalm 98, NLT)


"Shout with joy to the LORD...
Worship the LORD with gladness.
Come before him, singing with joy.
Acknowledge that the LORD is God!
He made us, and we are his.
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good.
His unfailing love continues forever,
and his faithfulness continues to each generation."

(From Psalm 100, NLT)


"Sing praises to God, our strength...
I heard an unknown voice say,
'Now I will take the load from your shoulders;
I will free your hands from their heavy tasks.
You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you...'"

(From Psalm 81, NLT)


"Praise the LORD!
For he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and shield.
I trust him with all my heart.
He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.
I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
The LORD gives his people strength."

(From Psalm 28, NLT)


"Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!" (Nehemiah 8:10, NLT)



What is something that you can praise the Lord for today?


Linked today with:

SHARING HIS BEAUTY, PLAYDATES WITH GOD, UNFORCED RHYTHMS, INSPIRE ME MONDAY, UNITE,  TELL ME A TRUE STORY, SOLI DEO GLORIA, TITUS 2 TUESDAY, TESTIMONY TUESDAY, WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS, A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS, WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS, TELL HIS STORY, WINSOME WEDNESDAY, THREE WORD WEDNESDAY, WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY, COFFEE FOR YOUR HEART, WORDS OF LIFE WEDNESDAYS, THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY, THRIVING THURSDAY, FAITH BARISTA, EVERYDAY JESUS, FAITH FILLED FRIDAY, THE FRIDAY FIVE, ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS, WHATEVER IS LOVELY, FRIENDSHIP FRIDAY, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAYS, SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, STILL SATURDAY, RECOMMENDATION SATURDAY, WEEKEND BREW, GIVE ME GRACE, SUNDAY STILLNESS


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

SOLITUDE CAN BE A PRISON

Silence is golden.

If that is the case, then sometimes I live in a cage made out of gold.

I live on a mountain, up a winding road, on the outskirts of town.  It's beautiful, yes, but sometimes incredibly lonely.

Yes, sometimes I feel trapped by the peace and quiet that surrounds me - for it often brings neither quiet nor peace.

OK, I am grateful that I don't have to work.  But retirement can be a mixed blessing.  Having time on your hands is a gift, until you find yourself unable to fill the hours with any meaningful goal or activity.

Have you ever questioned your place and purpose in the world?

It seems that my father's death has triggered a sadness that has lingered deep within my soul.  Like a hidden leak in the pipes that goes unnoticed until the ceiling caves in.

Watch out, Chicken Little.

Lately, my solitude has felt like a weight on my shoulders...

Now, don't get me wrong.  "The Hub" is a great companion.  Easy to get along with, kind and thoughtful - he is an easy conversationalist.  So it's not his fault.

It's not him.

It's some other grief that seems to have invaded and gripped my heart.


What am I mourning?

I miss my dad.  Not how he was the last few years, but just for the fact that I had a dad.  I keep feeling like I should have said more or done more.  I remember too many memories, and long for the chance to re-do some things. Now it's too late.

I miss my mom.  Because she doesn't want to be alone, we are shuttling her between my brother, sister, and cousin to take care of her.  I spend time with her when I'm in town, but if I was still living there, she'd be staying with me. And we don't talk as much as we used to.

I miss my sons.  Yeah, they're off on their own lives, as they should be, but still.  After 9 years, I have not completely settled in my empty nest.  My *mom feathers* are still ruffled.  I can't quite get comfortable.  Sometimes I still miss the old days.

I miss my grandbeagle, Marty.  Sometimes he's the only one who can bring me comfort.  His fur is healing.

I miss my old house, my friends, my familiar routine.  After almost two years, I am still not *at home* in my new home.

And, I miss me.

Truth be told, I'm not even sure who *me* is supposed to be anymore.  I'm almost 60, and I'm having an adolescent "identity crisis."  Wondering why I'm here, and who even cares.

But you know something?

Somehow, this doesn't feel like a physical depression, it feels spiritual.

Yeah, it feels like an attack.

I've prayed.  Oh boy, have I prayed.  Late night prayers, middle-of-the-night prayers, first-thing-in-the-morning prayers.

To sum them up, it goes something like this:

"Lord, I hurt."


I'm not sure how He's going to solve this one.  Maybe He won't.  Maybe He has a purpose for this ongoing thorn.  Evidently, He still has a purpose for me, 'cuz I still keep waking up!

But I'm not living abundantly, at least not like I define it.

This current *wilderness* is made so much more difficult because of "The Hub."  He serves as a stark contrast to my weary.  He is thriving up here. He loves the isolation, the stillness, the solitude.

Sometimes I starve.


So, what to do?

I'm not sure if I'm going to post this or not.  It's pretty raw.  But if you're reading this, something inside me (the Holy Spirit, no doubt), prompted me to take a courageous leap of vulnerability and hit the publish button.

Why, I wonder.

Perhaps for this reason.

To let you know, if you are struggling, or suffering, or just feeling lost and lonely and sad, you're not alone.

I get it, and I'm with you.

And I am not the only one.

One of our deepest needs as human beings is to know that we're not alone in the universe.  Think of all the technology involved in searching for intelligent life on other planets.

How silly we are.

We need only search for intelligent design.  And we need look no further than a bookshelf to find the Intelligent Designer.  He is there, permeating every word in His Word.

Maybe I've lost sight of that.

Maybe the solitude has fooled me.

Maybe it's not a prison after all, but rather an opportunity to seek the Presence.  A chance not to focus on the stillness, but on the still, small voice.

Maybe there are no bars, but only an illusion created by the enemy so that I will stop seeking The One.

Maybe the solitude, the sadness is a gift, an invitation to find the Man of Sorrows, the One well-acquainted with grief.

The One who experienced separation from the Father, so we would never have to.

Maybe only by feeling so terribly lonely can I ever hope to understand that I am truly never alone.

Maybe, just maybe...He is more than enough.


I have written this post, sitting in a parking lot in town, rather terrified to go back home and face the quiet.

But in the writing and the reflecting, a Voice has been speaking.  

Over and over, His Truth has overwhelmed me:

"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

OK, Jesus, let's go home.

Come unto Me... 

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go...for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15, NASB)

"Do not let your heart be troubled...I will not leave you as [an orphan]; I will come to you." (John 14:1, 18, NASB)

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

"They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you..." (Jeremiah 1:19, NIV)

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him..." (Psalm 27:4, NIV)



What lonely battle are you facing today?


Linked today with:

Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Laura at PLAYDATES WITH GOD
Tracy at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Hazel at TELL ME A TRUE STORY
Jen at SOLI DEO GLORIA
Jen at UNITE
Kasey at WALKING REDEEMED
Rachel at WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS
Judith at WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAY
Rosilind at A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS
Jenifer at WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY
Beth at THREE WORD WEDNESDAY
Lyli at THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY
Crystal at THRIVING THURSDAY
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA JAM
Laura at FAITH FILLED FRIDAY
Wanda at THE FRIDAY FIVE
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
Mel at ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS
Sandy at STILL SATURDAY
Barbie at WEEKEND BREW
Salina at HEART REFLECTED
Janis at SUNDAY STILLNESS


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

MY DAD - A LAST REMEMBRANCE

It seems fitting that I dedicate one more post to the recent death of my father.

And, what better way to do that than to talk about his memorial service.

First off, it took some planning.

You see, Dad never really wanted to talk much about it.  I can understand that – I mean, after all, who wants to talk about their death?

But, he did say that he didn't want it to be a big deal – and he just wanted family.  We honored those wishes.

We had some opening remarks, we had a prayer, we sang a song, and we read some Scriptures.  And then we opened it up for anyone who wanted to share something about my dad.

That was a precious time indeed.


I thought I'd tell you some of the memories I shared about my dad.

When I was a little girl, I can remember my dad coming home from work and sitting on the kitchen floor and playing *jacks* with me – (remember that game?!).  He always won because his hands were so much bigger than mine!

We used to pick my dad up from a commuter train that he'd take home from downtown San Francisco.  I'll never forget the day when I saw, in the midst of a sea of brown and black and gray suits, one arm raised high above all the rest, holding a red hula hoop.  MY dad – just for me!

My dad taught me how to ride a bike.  On the street.  With a huge downhill.  Dad's philosophy was that "it was better to learn how to ride where you're going to ride."  Of course, my learning curve involved one crazy, swerving, madcap tear down the hill – where I barely missed the neighbor's parked car, but plowed into their curb and landed (hard) on their front yard.

I don't think I need to tell you about the "adventures" learning how to drive a stick shift.  On the street.  With huge up and down hills.  I remember tears and white knuckles being involved…

Once there was a father-daughter dance at our church.  I was so excited to go.  But, in one of the only times I can ever remember my dad getting sick, he was too ill to attend.  Oh, how disappointed I was.  But, do you know how my dad made up for it?  He took me to a white-glove luncheon and fashion show at a local department store.  I don't think I've ever felt more grown-up.

Should I regale you with the stories of our lengthy bike rides, our hours of shooting baskets, our fun waterskiing, our many exciting vacations? The awful weeks of trying to do geometry homework with a dad who exempted his finals at Cornell?

Or how I earned frequent flier miles at the body shop next door to my dad's business – (hey, once I learned how to drive I was a maniac…).  Suffice it to say, among other accidents, that my dad lived to regret loaning me his Firebird to go to a church party.  Me, rain, a steep driveway, a sharp turn into the garage, and a retaining wall.  Enough said.

I'll never forget the years that I worked for him.  Having lunch with him every day.  Being proud of his pride in my hard work.

And I'll never forget what a great grandpa he was.  He attended everything that my sons were involved in.  Every school event, every game, every time they had something to do or somewhere to go – Papa was there.


You know, I could go on and on.  The memories flood my mind and fill my heart.

There are so many more stories – stories that I will reflect on in the future, stories that have woven together with my life as part of the tapestry that has become me.

But most importantly, beyond the memories, I will take with me the character and values that my dad passed on to me.

I am who I am today through the influence of Dad's personality and his love.  I am grateful that he was my father, and the grandfather of my sons.  He was a tough guy, but a good guy – and we are all the better for having known him.


In the days following the service, I've thought a lot about the word – legacy.

The dictionary defines it as this: Anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

Usually it pertains to material wealth and possessions.

But, I'm thinking more about the personal legacy you leave behind.  The footprint in the lives of others because you walked with them.  The things that they will carry in their hearts after you are gone.

What about those things?  The more and most important things?

What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind?

For me, it's all about God.

When the time comes that I leave this earth, what I want people to remember the MOST about me is that I loved and served and worshiped the Lord.

Sure, I hope my loved ones are comforted by fond memories and stories. I hope they can think of me with a smile.

But, more than anything, I want my life to have been lived pointing toward Jesus.

I can think of few better things to have someone say than, "You know, Sharon really and truly loved her Lord."

That's the legacy that I want to leave behind.

Because, if my loved ones and friends are left with that last enduring thought, grief will be tempered with hope, confident hope, in the eternity that God has planned for us.

This is what comforted me at my dad's funeral service.  And it is what will comfort me in the days and weeks and years that are left for me to live.

There is a life after this life.  It is eternal.  And we have been given the awesome chance to choose to live it in the presence of God.

Because of Jesus, Only You – we can have JOY forever.


May we live each day knowing this unchanging Truth, and may our lives reflect it.

For when all is said and done, it's all about God – in the beginning, in the middle…

…and in the end.

The grass withers and the flowers fade,
but the Word of our God
stands forever.

"Let all that I am praise the LORD;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the LORD;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins...
He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things...

The LORD is compassionate and merciful,
slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love...
He does not punish us for all our sins;
he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us
as the east is from the west.

The LORD is like a father to his children,
tender and compassionate to those who fear him.
For he knows how weak we are;
he remembers we are only dust.
Our days on earth are like grass;
like wildflowers, we bloom and die.
The wind blows, and we are gone—
as though we had never been here.

But the love of the LORD remains forever
with those who fear him.
His salvation extends to the children's children
of those who are faithful to his covenant,
of those who obey his commandments!

The LORD has made the heavens his throne;
from there he rules over everything.
Praise the LORD, you angels,
you mighty ones who carry out his plans,
listening for each of his commands.
Yes, praise the LORD, you armies of angels
who serve him and do his will!
Praise the LORD, everything he has created,
everything in all his kingdom.

Let all that I am praise the LORD."

(Excerpts from Psalm 103, NLT)


What is the legacy that you want to leave behind?


Linked today with:

Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Laura at PLAYDATES WITH GOD
Hazel at TELL ME A TRUE STORY
Jen at SOLI DEO GLORIA
Rachel at WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS
Tracy at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Rosilind at A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS
Judith at WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS
Kasey at WALKING REDEEMED
Beth at THREE WORD WEDNESDAY
Jenifer at WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY
Lyli at THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA JAM
Laura at FAITH FILLED FRIDAY
Mel at ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS
Wanda at THE FRIDAY FIVE
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
Sandy at STILL SATURDAY
Barbie at WEEKEND BREW
Salina at HEART REFLECTED
Janis at SUNDAY STILLNESS


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

JUST PASSING THROUGH

There are moments…

Moments when the reality of my dad's death catches me off guard, and the tears flow.

One happened the other day.

When we "inventoried" everything that we brought home from the rehab facility, I realized that two of my dad's shirts were missing.  No one else thought it was a big deal, but it was to me.  I wanted everything that belonged to my dad to come home.

So I called the nursing station, and they thoughtfully looked in the laundry area and located the missing shirts.

The other day, I went over to pick them up.

I was doing pretty good when I walked in the front door.  Had a very nice visit with the receptionist guy, who remembered my dad's name.  I was a little shakier when I walked to the nurse's station and saw, just a few feet away, the doorway to my dad's room.

I couldn't help but think, that’s the last place that my dad ever lived. It was weird and sad.

When they handed me the bag with Dad's shirts, I crumpled a bit.  Held it together through their very thoughtful condolences.  But then, when I returned to the car and climbed in next to "The Hub" – I lost it.  Cried and cried.  He felt terrible that he hadn’t gone in with me, but I told him it was OK.

It felt like a journey that I needed to walk alone.

As we were driving home, I took the visitor sticker off of my shirt, and placed it on the front of the bag holding my dad's shirts.

And that's when it hit me.

Dad is home!

He was but a visitor on this earth, nothing but a pilgrim passing through.

Aren't we all?!

Why do we lose sight of this?

Well, for one thing, we have an enemy who likes to keep us near-sighted. Why does he do that?  Because he's afraid.  He knows that if we focused on our future, our real future, our inheritance, then we just might realize who we really are…

…Children of the Almighty God.

And if we realized that, well, we might just become dangerous.

Strong, powerful, effective, unafraid.

You see, the enemy knows the truth of something we tend to forget – that when he looks at us, he sees JESUS!

Yup, JESUS – as in Risen Savior.

The devil might have cackled in victorious glee at the sight of a broken and battered body hanging on a cross.  But the empty tomb was no laughing matter!

So when he sees Jesus in us, he sees his greatest foe – our Victor.

And when one of us believers dies, well, he is reminded of his ultimate defeat and final judgment.

This is why he works so hard to make us think that this life is all there is. It's why he throws constant arrows at us – distractions, defeats, discouragements, despairs – to keep our vision blurred to the reality of who we are, where we're headed…

…and the ONE who made it all possible!


We're all travelers, pilgrims – sojourners on this tired old planet.

But we're headed somewhere.

And that's what we must keep our eyes focused on.

My dad has left the temporary depot that is this world.  He has boarded the Train to Eternity.  His REAL life has just begun…

Now I'm asking you – what if we all focused on that, and lived like we believed it?

Might we scare an enemy?!

I don't know about you, but I want to be dangerous!!

 This world is not my home,
I'm just a-passin' through,
I'm on my way to see Jesus,
How about you?

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  It is by his great mercy that we have been born again, because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectation, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.  And through your faith, God is protecting you by his power until you receive this salvation, which is ready to be revealed on the last day for all to see.  So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead..." 
(1 Peter 1:3-6, NLT)

"You love him even though you have never seen him.  Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls." 
(1 Peter 1:8-10, NLT)

"Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.  For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.  And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory." (Colossians 3:1-4, NLT)

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.  You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.  Enter into the JOY of your master.'" (Matthew 25:23, ESV)

THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME

(Albert E. Brumley, c. 1937)

This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through

My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Oh Lord, you know, I have no friend like you

If heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do

The angels beckon me from heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Just over in Gloryland we'll live eternally 

The saints on every hand are shouting victory

Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from heaven's shore

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Oh Lord, you know...

What keeps you from focusing on eternity?

Linked today with:

Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Laura at PLAYDATES WITH GOD
Jen at UNITE
Hazel at TELL ME A TRUE STORY
Rachel at WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS
Tracy at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Judith at WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS
Beth at THREE WORD WEDNESDAY
Jenifer at WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY
Lyli at THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA JAM
Laura at FAITH FILLED FRIDAY
Mel at ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS
Wanda at THE FRIDAY FIVE
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
Sandy at STILL SATURDAY
Salina at HEART REFLECTED
Barbie at WEEKEND BREW
Janis at SUNDAY STILLNESS

BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"