IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?

Hellooo…

Is anybody out there?

Sometimes I feel this way – like I say "Hello" and all I hear are crickets answering me…

Chirp, chirp.

Seems to me like Blog Land has been kinda quiet lately.

Which leads me to wonder – is blogging dead?

If you google this question, you'll find various opinions on the matter.  But most people agree that its *heyday* has come and gone, that its peak popularity is in the past.

I certainly know that many people I became acquainted with when I first started blogging have long since left.

I get it.

It's hard to keep up with it.

Inevitably, if you blog long enough, you'll face either writer's block or burnout, or both.  And life happens.  Other things take priority.  I know that there have been a few times when I seriously considered discontinuing my blog.

I felt like my words were dry, my inspiration was lagging, life got complicated.

But somehow I felt like God wanted me to stay, and He kept giving me one more idea at a time.

So I'm still here.

But I firmly believe that God is the only one who can tell us whether we need to stay, or that it's time to leave.  

And we should heed His voice.

It's just that I miss some of my old blogging friends.


Losing contact is a hard thing.

Sometimes it's nobody's fault, it just happens.  People move out of the area (like I did), or life gets busier, or we add other people to our lives.

But still…

There are times when I feel like my voice echoes back to me when I cry out…

"Is anybody out there?"

It’s hard enough to feel this way with people, but sometimes I feel this way with God.

Like He's moved somewhere and neglected to give me His forwarding address.

Hellooo…

Are You out there, God?

Chirp, chirp.

I have often wondered to myself – why is it that sometimes when we need God the most, He seems silent or hidden?

I have heard this referred to as the north face of God.

(Though I have not read this book yet, I find that it's highly recommended: "The North Face of God" by Ken Gire.  Also great, a book that I have read, "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey)


What does this mean?

The north face of a mountain in the northern hemisphere is generally the coldest, iciest and most formidable route to climb.

I like the word picture of our faith journey being like a long trek up a steep mountain.  There are so many apt parallels that can be drawn.  But perhaps my favorite of all, is the treacherous ascent to the summit.

Climbers on Mt. Everest have a name for it – the Death Zone.

"At the higher regions of Mount Everest, climbers seeking the summit typically spend substantial time within the death zone (altitudes higher than 26,000 ft), and face significant challenges to survival.  Temperatures can dip to very low levels, resulting in frostbite of any body part exposed to the air.  Since temperatures are so low, snow is well-frozen in certain areas and death or injury by slipping and falling can occur.  High winds at these altitudes on Everest are also a potential threat to climbers.

Another significant threat to climbers is low atmospheric pressure.  The atmospheric pressure at the top of Everest is about a third of sea level…resulting in the availability of only about a third as much oxygen to breathe. Debilitating effects of the death zone are so great that it takes most climbers up to 12 hours to walk the distance of 1.07 mi from South Col to the summit." (Wikipedia)


Yes, sometimes the walk of faith is dangerous – fraught with trials and temptations.

And sometimes it can be a lonely walk.

Because sometimes, when we are in the midst of adversity, this is exactly when God seems absent.

Why is that?

I went on a search for answers, and found many interesting verses about the seeming "hiddenness" of God.

And many of these verses speak about times when God tests our faith (I've included them in my Scriptures at the end of this post).

At first, quite honestly, these verses kinda riled me up.

My reaction was like, "C'mon, God.  I'm in the midst of difficulty and You choose this time to feel far away?  Not fair…"

And then I started to think about His promise to never leave me nor forsake me.

Is that what He's doing – leaving me?

Grrr…

But then, as I pondered this more, I began to realize that there is a big difference between God's promise and my perception of it.

Just because God "feels" far away doesn't mean that He is.

And the sense of His absence is actually a way for God and I to draw closer to one another, and a way for my faith to grow stronger.


Let me put it this way.

When my sons were little I hovered over them like a crazed helicopter pilot.  Not wanting them to get hurt or scared or sick, I was right by them all the time.

"Whoop, whoop!"  (Rotor blade sound effects...)

But as they grew older, I realized that it was important for them to launch out into life.

My toddlers ventured farther away from me.

My preteens moved even more.

My teenagers traveled into the far reaches of independence – testing the boundaries, learning their own.

And now, my sons have developed into mature adults.

Strong in their values, their decision-making, and their wisdom.

Did I ever abandon them?

Of course not!


In much the same way, God works for our spiritual maturity.

He tests us along the way, allowing us to build our faith stronger in times of trouble.

And sometimes that means that He will feel far away.

I am consoled knowing that I am not alone in these feelings.

David felt them:

"Why are you so far away when I groan for help?  Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief…Do not stay so far from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me." (Psalm 22:1-2, 11, NLT)

And Jesus quotes David's words from the cross:

"'My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?'" (Psalm 22:1, NLT)

No, we are not alone in feeling alone.


The north face of God.

The chilly silence.

The icy hiddenness.

The formidable sense that we are all alone.

Hellooo…

Is anybody out there?

Are You out there, God?

He is.

Ponder this –

Those mountain climbers who dare to ascend the north face of Mt. Everest rely on one thing more than anything to make it to the summit…

Oxygen.

The very stuff that keeps them alive.

"…he be not far from every one of us: For in him we live, and move, and have our being." (Acts 17:27-28, KJV)

"For the life of every living thing is in his hand, and the breath of every human being." (Job 12:10, NLT)


Yes, though my sense of His presence can be faulty at times, though He may seem distant for a time of testing, the Truth remains the same:

He is with me.

Every step of the way.

So I keep climbing…




Have you ever felt like God was far away?

He's as close as my heartbeat,
As near as a sigh,
A part of each breath,
He is ever nigh. 

So where is God hidden?

He's here, in my heart,

Directing my pathways

As He has from the start.

Where is God hidden?

He's not! Don't you see?

The Most High of the Universe

Dwells within me.

(© Sharon Kirby, October 4, 2000)

"However, when ambassadors arrived from Babylon to ask about the remarkable events that had taken place in the land, God withdrew from Hezekiah in order to test him and to see what was really in his heart." 
(2 Chronicles 32:31, NLT)

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (Deuteronomy 8:2, NIV)

"Then the LORD said to Moses, 'I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day.  In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions.'" 
(Exodus 16:4, NIV)

"The LORD is in his holy temple; the LORD’s throne is in heaven; his eyes see, his eyelids test the children of man." (Psalm 11:4, ESV)

"'I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested.'" (Zechariah 13:9, Holman CSB)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my…thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139:23-24, NLT)

"I have trusted in the Lord and have not faltered.  Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness." 
(Psalm 26:1-3, NIV)

"But he knows where I am going.  And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold." (Job 23:10, NLT)

"For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried." 
(Psalm 66:10, ESV)

"Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine.  Test yourselves.  Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith." (2 Corinthians 13:5, NLT)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." 
(James 1:2-4, NLT)

"So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." (1 Peter 1:6-7, NLT)

"God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.  Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." (James 1:12, NLT)

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:8, ESV)

Linked with:

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BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

WATCHING A MIRACLE UNFOLD

Yes.

This is what it feels like.

Wanna hear about it?!

As many of you know, a little over two years ago, life changed.  It was at that time that it became very apparent to my siblings and I that we needed to step into our parents' lives.

We began a sort of tag-team visitation schedule that continued until my dad fell and landed in the hospital.  Ten days later, he passed away.  This left my mom all alone, after nearly 62 years of marriage.  She was so very scared, so we spent the first six months or so after Dad's death shuttling her around.

This worked for a while, but then everyone became exhausted.  So, we went back to a visitation schedule, with days that Mom spent on her own.  A few months ago, as Mom became increasingly more fearful and confused, we knew we needed to do something more.

But…WHAT to do?

Mom wanted desperately to stay home, and yet, she didn't want to be alone. The dilemma arose when she also wasn't keen on having a *stranger* come in to help out.

Oh, the prayers that went up to heaven in the last several months.

Until…

Until God intervened, and we saw a miracle unfold.


Watch the dominoes fall...

A few months ago, I was down visiting my mom, and I got really sick (domino #1).  Too sick to drive home on the day I had planned to leave.  I stayed a few extra days (domino #2).

Because I was still in town, my brother opted not to come over to Mom's on his "regular" day (domino #3).  Instead, on the spur of the moment, he decided to head down the coast to an outlet store to buy some hiking boots (domino #4).

While there, he decided to try to have lunch with one of our cousins (domino #5).  (My sibs and I have only three first cousins – Dad being one of two sons, and my mom being an only child.  Therefore, we are more like siblings than cousins!)

She was having lunch with our other cousin, and my brother joined them (domino #6).

Of course, they asked all about how their special Auntie was doing.

My brother related some of the struggles we were facing (domino #7).

A bit later in the conversation, my brother asked one of my cousins how her job was going at a local surgical center (domino #8).  (She went back to school to become an R.N. after her boys were grown). 

She then informed him that she wasn't doing that anymore.  She was now working as the RN Case Manager for a company that does in-home caregiver placement for the elderly (domino #9).

I think time stopped at this point…

(I know if I'd been there I would have heard a choir break out into singing!!)

She offered to help us find a caregiver for Mom.  

Incidentally, she mentioned that if this lunch had happened a very few weeks later, she would not have been able to personally help us, as a new franchise was opening in Mom's county, precluding her ability to manage Mom's case (domino #10).


Fast forward to last week.

One thing after another fell rapidly into place, and my mother now has a wonderful Christian woman spending time with her.  

A woman who *just happens* to have lost her own mother.

A woman who *just happened* to hear about a job opportunity through someone she knew, who *just happened* to hear about it from our cousin.

A woman who *just happens* to have experience taking care of elderly people with cognitive challenges.

A woman who in her interview *just happened* to mention her father's passing, and how they played his favorite song at his funeral – "Great Is Thy Faithfulness."  A song taken from Lamentations 3:23.  A verse that *just happens* to be on my dad's headstone.

A woman who *just happens* to be supervised by our cousin, who will personally be managing my mom's case and visiting her on a regular basis.

A woman who *just happens* to be able to cover all the shifts with Mom.

A woman who has stepped into our lives like she's always been there.


My family is standing in awe.

Rarely have I seen such a direct answer to prayer.

I am humbled by it, so very grateful for it – still standing in disbelief at how this has all worked out so perfectly.

The other night, I was talking to another cousin (who has been part of our *care team* for Mom).  We were talking about the *miracle* of this whole situation.

And then she said something that has really stuck with me.

She said, "You know, Sharon, very few people get to see something this miraculous happen.  Few get to see an answer to prayer so directly linked to God's intervention.  I tell you what.  I told Him the other night that no matter what He asked me to do in my life going forward, I would do it.  I am His servant."

After I got off the phone, I couldn't stop thinking about what she said.

First of all, I am rather stunned at all the *just so happened* moments in this journey.  At each turn in the road, there was something that "just happened" right when it needed to happen.  

Like a wonder-full chess match, God was moving each piece into place.  

God works = CHECKMATE!!


I have seen His hand at work like that over and over again in His Word.  

The Bible is full of these moments:

"Now it happened at the end of two full years that Pharaoh had a dream…" (Genesis 41:1, NASB) – Joseph

"Then Abraham raised his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him a ram caught in the thicket by his horns…" 
(Genesis 22:13, NASB) – Abraham

"Now the daughter of Pharaoh came down to bathe at the river…She saw the basket among the reeds…" 
(Exodus 2:5, ESV) – Moses

"Now the LORD had arranged for a great fish to swallow Jonah." 
(Jonah 1:17, NLT) – Jonah

"Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?" 
(Esther 4:14, NLT) – Esther


Even in the life of Jesus and His disciples, there were many, many *just so happened* moments.

Yes, at each twisty turn in His life, there was Someone at work.

The same Someone who is at work in our lives.

There are no coincidences in the believer's life – these moments are *God appointments* – divinely orchestrated by the wise Providence of our Lord.

Not serendipity – but sovereignty.


Now, the other thing that I've really been pondering is this:

When I hung up the phone I thought to myself, "Yes, you have seen a miracle.  Now what are you going to do about it?"

I've been pondering.

What did people do when they saw the miracles of Jesus?

Reactions were mixed.


Some were grateful, others were thankless.

(Remember the ten lepers who were healed?)  

"One of them, when he saw that he was healed…fell to the ground at Jesus' feet, thanking him for what he had done…Jesus asked, 'Didn't I heal ten men? Where are the other nine?'" (Luke 17:15-17, NLT)


Some were awed, others were skeptical.  

"But despite all the miraculous signs Jesus had done, most of the people still did not believe in him." (John 12:37, NLT)


Some wholeheartedly believed that He was who He said He was.  They instantly grasped onto His offer of salvation.

"And many who were there believed in Jesus." (John 10:42, NLT)


Others were threatened by Him, and began plotting to kill Him.

"Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus." (Mark 3:6, NIV)



So, what am I going to do?

Praise Him, thank Him – of course.

Tell others about it – yes indeed.

But I want to do more than that.

I want this Divine Intervention to infuse my faith with more faith.

I want it to make a difference in how I trust God.  

I want it to deepen my understanding of God's faithfulness.

I want it to bring me peace as I face other turmoil in my life.

I want to KNOW more than ever, that God is in control, that He still sits on His throne, that His ways are wise and good and timely.

I want to believe…

Oh Lord, please help my unbelief.


I cannot end this post without one last perfect moment.

My mom's new caregiver has a name very similar to a member of our family, sometimes confusing my mom.  My sister was joking with her about it the other day.  The caregiver suggested, a bit tongue-in-cheek, that we could always call her by her middle name.

"What is your middle name?" my sister asked.

Are you ready for it?

"Oh,” she answered, "It's Grace."

Well yes, of course it is!

God, You are amazing.

Sweetest Mommy.

Full of Joy.

Blessed by Love.

Watched over by Grace. 

"It is because of the Lord’s mercy and loving-kindness that we are not consumed, because His [tender] compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great and abundant is Your stability and faithfulness." 
(Lamentations 3:22-23, AMP)

"Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day, even the God Who is our salvation!" (Psalm 68:19, AMP)

"Commit everything you do to the LORD.  Trust him, and he will help you...Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act...Day by day the LORD takes care of the innocent...The LORD directs the steps of the godly.  He delights in every detail of their lives.  Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand...He will keep them safe forever...The LORD rescues the godly...He saves them, and they find shelter in him." (From Psalm 37, NLT)

"Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." (Psalm 55:22, NASB)

"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully." (1 Peter 5:7, AMP)

"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, AMP)

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28, NLT)

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think...to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.  Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21, NASB)



Have you ever witnessed a miracle?  Please share your story!



Linked with:

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BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

I'M WEARING DOWN

OK, so…

Do you think that I'm talking about being worn out, run down, overly tired?

Well, if you are – GOTCHA!

I'm talking about something else entirely, but you're gonna have to keep reading to find out what!  (I know, kinda unfair – but I love a captive audience…)


Winter has hit our mountains!

Cold, cold temperatures.

How cold?  Well, think about daytime highs around 30.  Now, before my Midwest or Eastern visitors scoff at these balmy temperatures (you Polar Vortex survivors, you) – you gotta remember something.  I am a Southern California girl who's lived here all of her life – and I've lived rather close to the beach.

So, I am used to wearing shorts and flip-flops during the winter on occasion.  I am used to high 80's, low 90's heat-waves in January.  I have been known to go to the beach and get a sunburn before March.  A winter coat for me might be a sweater.

From my perspective, mountain California is COLD!

And therefore arises a problem.

How to keep warm?

A challenge indeed.

Propane is very expensive – and it's the only way that forced heating works up here.  Gone are the days of relatively inexpensive natural gas heating.  (I actually miss my old Gas Company bill…).  And so, "The Hub" and I have tried to find the most cost-effective ways to keep warm.

We're getting better at it.  It's our third winter up here, after all.

Last year, we heard horror stories about propane bills that cost more than a small mortgage (hyperbole…).  So, we didn't want to use our central heating too much.

We tried a space heater one month.  Big mistake.  As in HUGE big mistake. As in, $$$ mistake!

Yes, we keep a fire going all day.  But that can add to another bill – the electric bill.  Why?  Because we have this firebox thing – it's not really a fireplace.  Let me explain.  Our firebox has glass doors on it.  So, we put the logs into the firebox, light the logs, and then close the doors.

After awhile, when the temperature rises to a certain degree of heat, an automatic fan goes on which then blows out the heated air through a decorative brass grate.  Nice, but the fan always remains on (using up electricity).

Oh sure, we tried leaving the doors open.  But, for some reason, a firebox doesn't quite work like a fireplace.  Can you say – smoke inhalation?  I knew you could.  So, the doors must remain shut.

Sure, we might replace it someday with a good old-fashioned rock fireplace.  Sometime when we have a few spare thousand dollars lying around.  Maybe after we pay the electric bill – or have the propane tank filled up.

Therefore, in an effort to maintain warmth, and while also trying to be frugal, we have come up with other solutions.

Last winter, we bought an electric blanket, just to take the chill off the sheets before bedtime.

And, we curl up in blankets, and bundle up in warm clothing.

Like my down jacket.

Now do you get it??  I'm wearing "down" – HA!  (Punsters join in with a united groan…)

Yup, wearing my down jacket inside the house might sound foolish to you guys.  But I kinda like it.  Especially on those days when I'm just reading or writing.

Like now.


So, what's my spiritual lesson in this?

Well, first of all, that it's cold outside!

This tired old broken world can be pretty stark sometimes.  Unfriendly, hostile, daunting.  The natural elements themselves can be hard to manage. But sometimes the coldness of people is even worse.

And you know that empty, lonely, hopeless place that our hearts can go to.

We can find ourselves freezing in the separation from that warm fuzzy feeling that we all long for.

Many people turn to many things to fill that cold hole – other people, other pleasures, other places – and sometimes those choices can be very expensive to the soul.

God doesn't want us turning to anything else besides Himself.

But God does understand how we feel.

After all, He made us in His image – and His image is all about connection, intimacy, love.

And, I'm thinking that He's actually given us a pretty good *down jacket* in the form of the Holy Spirit.

The actual Presence of Himself wrapping His arms around us, warming us with His comfort, enveloping us in His peace.


Baby, it might be cold outside – but I am not.

I'm wearing *down*…

…and looking UP!

Button up your overcoat
When the wind is free,
Take good care of yourself
You belong to
Me.

- GOD -

"You have fixed all the boundaries of the earth; you have made summer and winter." (Psalm 74:17, ESV)

"God thunders wondrously with his voice; he does great things that we cannot comprehend.  For to the snow he says, 'Fall on the earth,' likewise to the downpour, his mighty downpour...From its chamber comes the whirlwind, and cold from the scattering winds.  By the breath of God ice is given, and the broad waters are frozen fast....stop and consider the wondrous works of God...God is clothed with awesome majesty.  The Almighty...he is great in power..." (Job 37:5-6, 9-10, 14, 22, 23, ESV)

"See!  The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.  Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come..." (Song of Solomon 2:11-12, NIV)

"Let my teaching fall on you like rain; let my speech settle like dew.  Let my words fall like rain on tender grass, like gentle showers on young plants."(Deuteronomy 32:2, NLT)

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.  For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace...'" (Isaiah 55:8-12, ESV)

"Like the cold of snow in the time of harvest is a faithful messenger to those who send him; he refreshes the soul of his masters." (Proverbs 25:13, ESV)



What keeps your faith *warm* in the cold and wintry seasons of life?



Linked with:

SHARING HIS BEAUTY, SMALL WONDER, MONDAY'S MUSINGS, GOOD MORNING MONDAYS, MONDAYS AT SOUL SURVIVAL, MAKE A DIFFERENCE MONDAYS, TELL ME A TRUE STORY, SOLI DEO GLORIA, UNITE, TITUS 2 TUESDAYS, TESTIMONY TUESDAY, TUESDAY TALK, A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS, TELL HIS STORY, CAPTURE YOUR JOURNEY, TEACHING WHAT IS GOOD, WISE WOMAN, COFFEE & CONVERSATION, SO MUCH AT HOME, WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAYS, WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY, THREE WORD WEDNESDAY, COFFEE FOR YOUR HEART, THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY, EVERYDAY JESUS, HEARTS FOR HOME, GRACE AT HOME, LITTLE THINGS THURSDAYS, THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS, SHINE, BELOVED BREWS, LIGHT FRIDAY HIT LIST, FRIENDSHIP FRIDAY, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAYS, FAITH FILLED FRIDAY, FAITH & FELLOWSHIP, A GROUP LOOK, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAY, SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, SATURDAY SOIREE, STILL SATURDAY, WEEKEND BREW, GIVE ME GRACE, SUNDAY STILLNESS



BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

SOLITUDE CAN BE A PRISON

Silence is golden.

If that is the case, then sometimes I live in a cage made out of gold.

I live on a mountain, up a winding road, on the outskirts of town.  It's beautiful, yes, but sometimes incredibly lonely.

Yes, sometimes I feel trapped by the peace and quiet that surrounds me - for it often brings neither quiet nor peace.

OK, I am grateful that I don't have to work.  But retirement can be a mixed blessing.  Having time on your hands is a gift, until you find yourself unable to fill the hours with any meaningful goal or activity.

Have you ever questioned your place and purpose in the world?

It seems that my father's death has triggered a sadness that has lingered deep within my soul.  Like a hidden leak in the pipes that goes unnoticed until the ceiling caves in.

Watch out, Chicken Little.

Lately, my solitude has felt like a weight on my shoulders...

Now, don't get me wrong.  "The Hub" is a great companion.  Easy to get along with, kind and thoughtful - he is an easy conversationalist.  So it's not his fault.

It's not him.

It's some other grief that seems to have invaded and gripped my heart.


What am I mourning?

I miss my dad.  Not how he was the last few years, but just for the fact that I had a dad.  I keep feeling like I should have said more or done more.  I remember too many memories, and long for the chance to re-do some things. Now it's too late.

I miss my mom.  Because she doesn't want to be alone, we are shuttling her between my brother, sister, and cousin to take care of her.  I spend time with her when I'm in town, but if I was still living there, she'd be staying with me. And we don't talk as much as we used to.

I miss my sons.  Yeah, they're off on their own lives, as they should be, but still.  After 9 years, I have not completely settled in my empty nest.  My *mom feathers* are still ruffled.  I can't quite get comfortable.  Sometimes I still miss the old days.

I miss my grandbeagle, Marty.  Sometimes he's the only one who can bring me comfort.  His fur is healing.

I miss my old house, my friends, my familiar routine.  After almost two years, I am still not *at home* in my new home.

And, I miss me.

Truth be told, I'm not even sure who *me* is supposed to be anymore.  I'm almost 60, and I'm having an adolescent "identity crisis."  Wondering why I'm here, and who even cares.

But you know something?

Somehow, this doesn't feel like a physical depression, it feels spiritual.

Yeah, it feels like an attack.

I've prayed.  Oh boy, have I prayed.  Late night prayers, middle-of-the-night prayers, first-thing-in-the-morning prayers.

To sum them up, it goes something like this:

"Lord, I hurt."


I'm not sure how He's going to solve this one.  Maybe He won't.  Maybe He has a purpose for this ongoing thorn.  Evidently, He still has a purpose for me, 'cuz I still keep waking up!

But I'm not living abundantly, at least not like I define it.

This current *wilderness* is made so much more difficult because of "The Hub."  He serves as a stark contrast to my weary.  He is thriving up here. He loves the isolation, the stillness, the solitude.

Sometimes I starve.


So, what to do?

I'm not sure if I'm going to post this or not.  It's pretty raw.  But if you're reading this, something inside me (the Holy Spirit, no doubt), prompted me to take a courageous leap of vulnerability and hit the publish button.

Why, I wonder.

Perhaps for this reason.

To let you know, if you are struggling, or suffering, or just feeling lost and lonely and sad, you're not alone.

I get it, and I'm with you.

And I am not the only one.

One of our deepest needs as human beings is to know that we're not alone in the universe.  Think of all the technology involved in searching for intelligent life on other planets.

How silly we are.

We need only search for intelligent design.  And we need look no further than a bookshelf to find the Intelligent Designer.  He is there, permeating every word in His Word.

Maybe I've lost sight of that.

Maybe the solitude has fooled me.

Maybe it's not a prison after all, but rather an opportunity to seek the Presence.  A chance not to focus on the stillness, but on the still, small voice.

Maybe there are no bars, but only an illusion created by the enemy so that I will stop seeking The One.

Maybe the solitude, the sadness is a gift, an invitation to find the Man of Sorrows, the One well-acquainted with grief.

The One who experienced separation from the Father, so we would never have to.

Maybe only by feeling so terribly lonely can I ever hope to understand that I am truly never alone.

Maybe, just maybe...He is more than enough.


I have written this post, sitting in a parking lot in town, rather terrified to go back home and face the quiet.

But in the writing and the reflecting, a Voice has been speaking.  

Over and over, His Truth has overwhelmed me:

"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

OK, Jesus, let's go home.

Come unto Me... 

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go...for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15, NASB)

"Do not let your heart be troubled...I will not leave you as [an orphan]; I will come to you." (John 14:1, 18, NASB)

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

"They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you..." (Jeremiah 1:19, NIV)

"One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him..." (Psalm 27:4, NIV)



What lonely battle are you facing today?


Linked today with:

Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Laura at PLAYDATES WITH GOD
Tracy at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Hazel at TELL ME A TRUE STORY
Jen at SOLI DEO GLORIA
Jen at UNITE
Kasey at WALKING REDEEMED
Rachel at WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS
Judith at WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAY
Rosilind at A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS
Jenifer at WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY
Beth at THREE WORD WEDNESDAY
Lyli at THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY
Crystal at THRIVING THURSDAY
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA JAM
Laura at FAITH FILLED FRIDAY
Wanda at THE FRIDAY FIVE
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
Mel at ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS
Sandy at STILL SATURDAY
Barbie at WEEKEND BREW
Salina at HEART REFLECTED
Janis at SUNDAY STILLNESS


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

WHINE FEST

No, not Wine Fest...

WHINE Fest.

I'm going to do something a little different.  I am going to write this post in the MIDDLE of feeling crabby.  I'm not going to wait until I'm past it.  I'm not going to wait until I feel all "spiritually intact" again.  I'm not going to write it when I've reached the praise part.

I'm just going to write it and see what happens.

So, yes, I am in the throes of a serious grumbling phase.  An unabashed valley of complaining.  

Yup, seriously disgruntled.

Is there a reason for my feeling this way?

Does there ever have to be a good reason??

I don't know what comes over me.  I can be sailing along (sorta), when all of a sudden everything feels wrong.  Nothing seems right, nothing seems good.

My feelings are hurt.  My face looks old.  My knees and neck and just about every other body part is painful.  Everything is a supreme inconvenience.  The computer isn't working fast enough.  I've gained back much of the weight that I so diligently lost four years ago – and kept off for over two years until I moved up here to the mountains.

Which leads me to my biggest gripe – my general discontent right now about where I live.

Oh, it's beautiful, all right.

Gorgeous mountain views out of every window.  Trees and wildflowers galore. Nature's wildlife visiting almost every day.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

But I feel trapped.

On an island in the sky.

You see, for the past 1 ½ years, I've been making monthly trips back and forth from here to where I used to live.  Visiting family and friends, getting my hair done – (listen, if you get your hair colored and styled by someone you've known for YEARS, it's worth the extra effort – just sayin') – doing errands that can't be done up here, etc.

Oh, and eating at all the places that I miss.  A certain sandwich chain, a particular coffee-making place, a juice bar, a sushi place, an occasional Italian bistro.

Shopping at all the places that I miss.

Doing all the things and seeing all the faces that I miss…so much.

My trips have lasted longer in the last six months, as I've had to add care-taking to my downhill duties.  And, quite frankly, through no fault of their own, my parents' situation can be frustrating.

I know that I'm stressed and burned out.

I can tell.

My deliriously bad attitude is a clue.

Two days ago, the day before I was supposed to leave to come back up the hill, I realized something.  I actually don't feel like I belong anywhere right now.

I don't feel like l live down there anymore, but I still don't feel at home up here.

I am looking back and longing for my old life.

Sometimes I even want my really old life back.  The life when the boys were living in the house, and growing up with me, and we were having all these grand adventures.

I miss that…I miss them.

Everything's changed, and I can't seem to adapt to *everything* anymore.

Woe. Is. Me.

As in, Woe might as well actually be my middle name right now.

So, this is where I find myself today.  And this is where I'm writing from. From a place of discomfort and boredom.  A place of confusion and hurt.  A place of isolation and loneliness.

From an island in the sky.

"The Hub" is happier than a clam at high tide up here - (notice that I'm not even using a mountain metaphor here).  He likes being alone.  His inner mountain man is overjoyed at the natural world that surrounds us.  He has told me several times that he can't see any reason to ever go "off the hill" for anything anymore.

He is content.

Except for one thing.

His wife is not.

So, I also add a good portion of *spouse guilt* to the things I'm complaining about.  I want to have my own feelings, good OR bad, without having to feel like I'm bringing someone else down.

Can't I gripe alone?

(OK, at this point I am seriously wondering if this post is ever going to make it to publication…)

So, Lord, here I am.

With a huge heart full of too many feelings to feel, too many headaches to count (some of them are literal), too many weights on my shoulders…

Too many…too much.

What on earth do You want to say to me today while I am in this frame of mind?

Will I even listen??


"Stay still."

I heard it, but I don't want to.

"Lord, how much still-er can I get?  That is part of the problem.  I am bored to tears up here.  I am lonely.  It's all so quiet that I can't stand it anymore!  You're telling me to stay still??"

"I am.  Still, on the inside where it counts."

I am NOT wanting to hear this today.

"Lord, I don't want to stay still.  I don't want to let go of this mood.  I am entitled to feel crabby.  Everything in my life has changed, and I do not like many of the changes."

"I know.  But I am with you in the changes.  Let them happen.  For I have plans for you."

If He quotes Jeremiah 29:11 right now…

"I heard that."

"Sorry, Lord."

But honestly, the truth is that I have grown so weary of being the "good" Christian, so tired of being strong.  So worn out trying to have the right attitude.

I want to feel lousy.  Just for a day.  Just for a break.

"Do you understand that, Lord?"

"Yes, I do.  But I never, ever want you to forget something.  In the middle of your wilderness wandering, never forget the deliverance that I can bring."

Yes, deliverance.  That sounds good.

"Lord, I want deliverance.  I want out of here.  I truly don't want to live up here anymore.  I miss everything in my life that happens when I go back to where I used to live."

…pause...

"I want to go home.  And I don't know where home is anymore."

"Sharon, dear Sharon, My child.  Home isn't a place.  Home is where I live in your heart, and you live in Mine.  This is where you must abide. 

And remember, the Promised Land didn't deliver on the promise until many battles were fought and won.  Don't lose sight of the glory while you're still spilling your guts on the battleground."

Um, OK.

"Fight on, strong soldier."

He didn't just say that, did He?

"You think I'm strong, Lord?  Really??"

"Yes."

"How can you possibly think that?  I'm sitting in a pity pile here, holding on to a bad mood like meat from Egypt.  How on earth am I strong??"

"You are strong because you know you need Me.  And you have never, not once, let go."

He's right, I haven't.

"Have that mood of yours if you must.  It will pass.  But never lose sight of this.  You are just exactly where I want you, at just the time I want you there.  There is a reason.  Trust me."

Sigh.

My mood is dissipating…just a tiny bit.

"Sharon, is it really just Me?"

There it is – the same thing He has been saying to me over and over again for the last two years.

Is He still winnowing and pruning and lopping off the worthless things in me?

Is He still working on the ugly parts?

Oh Lord, please stop…

Oh Lord, please don't stop.


I am going to finish this now, and pray about whether I should post it or not. It's raw, it's not flattering…but it's totally honest.  And, it sorta ends on a positive note.

I heard from God.

I am bloodied by my battles, but not defeated.

And I am consoled in my complaining by the most powerful words I will ever hear in my entire lifetime…

"Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age, for I love you more than you will ever know."

Sigh…

"FLY WITH ME AND WE WILL SOAR"

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

"'And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?'" (Esther 4:14, ESV)

"So be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid and do not panic...For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you." (Deuteronomy 31:6, NLT)

"'And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.'" (Matthew 28:20, NLT)

"'I have loved you...with an everlasting love.  With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.'" (Jeremiah 31:3, NLT)

"The fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied..." (Proverbs 19:23, ESV)


Are you experiencing a valley of discontent right now?  What is God saying to you?


Linked today with:

Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Hazel at TELL ME A TRUE STORY
Jen at UNITE
Rachel at WHIMSICAL WEDNESDAYS
Jenifer at WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY
Tracy at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Salina at HEART REFLECTED
Judith at WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAY
Nannette at WISDOM WEDNESDAY
Rosilind at A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS
Gail at TGIF
Wanda at THE FRIDAY FIVE
Laura at FAITH FILLED FRIDAY
Mel at ESSENTIAL FRIDAYS
Leslie at FAITHFUL FRIDAY
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
Patricia at STILL SATURDAY
Barbie at WEEKEND BREW
Janis at SUNDAY STILLNESS


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"