Distraught.
Distracted, upset, worried, agitated, panicked, anxious, troubled...
You get the picture.
Have you ever felt that way?
Like life was crashing upon you, wave after wave, and you just can't catch a breath?
Growing up, my family loved going to the beach.
And we loved bodysurfing.
The challenge of catching waves and riding them into shore was great fun!
But one day, the surf was anything but friendly.
And I found myself in trouble.
The waves were particularly big, and kept coming closer and closer together. I had to keep swimming out to dive under them before they crashed on me, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn't.
I can't tell you the times that I *wiped out*.
Tumbled and tossed, not knowing if I was up or down, panicking that I would ever surface again.
Desperate for breath…
Weary, and caught far beyond my ability to get back to safety.
That's the kind of feeling that I'm talking about.
Sometimes it doesn't take big events to make you feel this way – sometimes it's just the smaller stuff that piles up and topples you into a bundle of nerves.
Recently I spent two weeks with my mother.
We had a good time, though it continues to be a difficult journey.
Her helplessness increases, while at the same time her cognitive abilities decline. And if anyone has dealt with a loved one who suffers from dementia, you know how challenging it is to walk this path.
On the day that I had to leave, things were in turmoil.
Mom has a very tough time letting me go now.
Even when I'm staying with her for a period of time, she is very upset when I have to leave for any reason. She panics, and asks me over and over if and when I'm coming back.
And, when I tell her that I will be going home in a day or two, she falls apart.
Mind you, we have a caregiver who is with her most days, and my other siblings spend days with her during the week, too. So Mom is never alone on any day. But I think she gets used to me being there for longer periods of time, especially overnight, and it's quite disturbing to her when it's time for me to go.
This time was especially painful.
You see, a couple of days earlier, Mom did something to her back, and she could barely walk, even with my help.
And so, I know she was feeling particularly helpless and vulnerable.
My heart was heavy when I got into my car to leave.
On top of those circumstances, there was also *stuff* going on in the rest of the family.
Stresses and medical issues.
Job pressures and financial concerns.
It just seemed like every single person that I love was in some sort of distress, and I felt a deep disquietude in my heart.
Sigh.
I talked to God on the way home.
And later that evening, when I finally sat down, I wrote out my thoughts.
You see, I have this notebook.
I wouldn't call it a journal, it's just something I write in when I'm nervous. It helps to get the feelings out on paper. It seems to lessen the endless ruminating that I do.
So, I wrote – sentence after sentence.
Releasing a litany of fears and worries, frustrations and burdens.
Cataloguing my "what if?" and my "why this?" and my "how will this ever work out?" thoughts. My pen wrote as if possessed, driven by my spiraling emotions.
It has been a very long time since I have felt this helpless.
Oh, how I want to fix everything and make all the bad stuff go away.
I want to intervene, and meddle, and give everyone my opinion.
I want to tinker, dabble, shape, and mold.
I want to take over.
And yet, I can only listen and pray.
It's so hard watching life happen, especially when you have to watch people you love struggle.
I don't like it…
AT. ALL.
Finally, exhausted, I wrote the only other thing I could think of to say:
"Oh Lord, I cannot…"
I ponder those words.
Are they angry, frustrated, weary, broken?
Are they an expression of my fatigue or a plea for His help?
Are they an admission of my powerlessness or a surrender to His will?
I think it's all of that.
I cannot fix things.
I cannot change things.
I cannot make everything all right.
I cannot turn off my thoughts.
I cannot take another weary step.
I cannot make life work.
And I find it so incredibly difficult to trust God when things are hard and loved ones are struggling or suffering.
But then I realized the truth – I have nowhere else to turn, and no one else to turn to…
"Oh Lord, I cannot…"
Quietly, I heard a reply:
"Yes, dear Sharon. But that is the whole point. YOU cannot…"
Then He reminded me of my life verses:
"Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6, AMP)
Yes, I realized, He isn't asking me to stop caring, or to stop doing what I can do.
But He IS commanding me to not LEAN on my own power to figure life out.
My abilities are a faulty prop.
And if I lean on them, I will most certainly fall.
I must not rely on my limited comprehension, or put my faith in myself.
Instead, I must learn to trust God more.
And certainly part of trusting God is EN-trusting Him with the people I love so much, and committing their life circumstances into His hands.
It's very hard.
But in this moment, God reminded me that He loves them far more than I ever could.
He reminded me that He planned every single one of their days, including all the situations that I fret so much about.
He assured me that He listens and He cares.
And He commanded me to remember that HE is firmly in control.
Even when I feel totally out of control – even when I am anxious to take control.
He spoke again:
"Don't worry. I've got this…"
Oh Lord, I cannot…
I cannot stop worrying without Your help.
I cannot watch life unfold without Your help.
I cannot surrender without Your help.
I cannot trust You without Your help.
I cannot take another step…
And then He spoke the most precious words into my troubled soul…
"It's all right, Sharon…
I CAN."
Do you ever feel that you *cannot*? How does God speak to you in those moments?
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When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul. (Words by Horatio G. Spafford, 1876) |
"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the LORD. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" (Isaiah 55:8-9, NLT)
"O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal." (Psalm 40:5, NLT)
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen.'" (Jeremiah 29:11-12, NLT)
"…the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." (Psalm 33:11, NIV)
"The LORD Almighty has sworn, 'Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen.'" (Isaiah 14:24, NIV)
"Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you." (Psalm 37:5, NLT)
"Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." (Psalm 55:22, NLT)
"I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken…Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm 62:1-2, 5-8, NLT)
"Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully." (1 Peter 5:7, AMP)
"The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm…'Do not fear…do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you…in his love he will…rejoice over you with singing.'" (Zephaniah 3:15-17, NIV)
"…the LORD is in his holy Temple; the LORD still rules from heaven."
(Psalm 11:4, NLT)
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BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"
Sharon, your post hit home this morning for I just buried my mother who died from dementia related illness. I have never felt so out of control as when I visited her. No matter how much I prayed my efforts did not lesson the rapid decline of her mind then her body followed. The last year has been the worst, she would cuss the nurses, and us, throw things, then she stopped doing anything and went to bed, not eating for days they there would be a few days she would rise back only to be come aggressive. Finally she went to bed, stopped eating, drinking, was non responsive except to yell in pain when they moved her , then moaning in pain without movement. That's how I found her when I was went home the first of April. She lasted a week and half after I got there. The dementia is awful, it took my mother over a year away from us, we had to talk through the dementia most of the time, she slowly slipped away into the past. The deep grieve of not being able to see her face hits me often with tears I never knew I had. I am so grateful for the grief and tears, they are a gift from the Lord. Grateful I had a mother I loved enough and she loved me enough to bring grief. Amazed how much God spoke to me about Him as I laid my hand on her check when she took her last breathe here. I can with knowledge pray for and her mother, it's hard days as you watch her decline.
ReplyDeleteSharon, in fact I'm in the midst of one of those I can not moments. It's hard not to want to get in there and try to fix things but ultimately we can not. When I find myself really frustrated I often remind myself that I am not in control. I'll be praying for you and your mother.
ReplyDeleteIt seems I have been in the midst of "circumstances" for so long, I don't know any other way to live....some of the days, more desperate than others of course. I am learning to trust more deeply on some days...then there are others. We dealt with my husband's mother and her journey through Alzheimer's so I understand the difficulty...and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this too. Sometimes the Lord has to shake me really hard and tell me straight up when I think I CAN. Praying for you and your sweet mom, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYes, this, for me too:
ReplyDelete"Oh Lord, I cannot…"
Quietly, I heard a reply:
"Yes, dear Sharon. But that is the whole point. YOU cannot…"
Praying for your dear mama and for you as you accept the things you can't change. It's a huge challenge for all of us! You are more brave than you give yourself credit for if you battled those waves and got up over and over. God's hand is definitely on your life, Sharon
I feel for you, Sharon, and for your mom. I am sure it is hard for you to leave her, knowing how frail and fragile she is. Like I said before, it is hard to see how parents age and to depend so much on us like we depended so much on them in our younger years.
ReplyDeleteI love how God spoke to you that he can handle everything you are going through and of course nothing caught him by surprise. I think we need to remember that when going through difficult times. He already is aware of them, already walking alongside us. We just need to trust in him indeed.
betty
I so love reading your blogs Sharon. And this one really stirred my heart. I needed to read this. I'm so thankful for my Jesus who sees and cares more than I know. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon! I was reading your words and joining in with your feelings of helplessness. It is so hard to see a parent getting more and more weak, and add to that dependent. You are doing everything you can for your precious mom, and your family is really pulling together too.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it is, so much of what we do is a 'faulty prop' as you said. We can only do so much, the rest truly is up to the Lord. His strength is perfect, and only asks us to be at peace. But that's a tall order sometimes! I'll join you in prayer for reliance on him, and for peace for your mom too. You are doing all you can do, and that's all he can ask. You are such a good daughter my friend. No wonder your mom loves you so.
Blessings,
Ceil
Letting it all go is one of the hardest things I think we face as followers of Jesus. I will be seeing my father next month (he lives in PA) and i will see how his dementia is progressing. It is hard to watch your parents decline. I watched my mom die of cancer, but least it was quickly. You're in my thoughts my friend.
ReplyDeleteI took care of my mom when she was dying, and she also had dementia. I truly understand dear. praying for you, and your mom
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this today; it really helps me. I'm in one of those places too where I cannot control things for a loved one but God is in control and He's got this. Also loved your Scripture verses and words of truth. I know you feel weak, but you are strong and your words strengthen me!
ReplyDeleteI can relate so well to your desire to fix things and/or people, but the realization that we must cast our cares on God and trust Him. God bless and help you with your mama.
ReplyDeleteMy ❤️ Goes out to you. I hate when my people are in turmoil and reaching out to me because I know they should be reaching out to God. Because I cannot either. It's wonderful to be loved and appreciated and looked up to, but it's to big a burden. All at once I feel like if I can't fix their stuff, I am a failure in their eyes, even though I don't really think they see it that way. You have my prayers friend. 🙏🏼
ReplyDeleteI feel that way all the time for several years now! I am saving this one....great post. The other day I yelled out to God to take it all from me, giving him my pain and my heart felt relief.
ReplyDeleteOh - good for you Sharon! I'm learning this lesson too, all the things I cannot. It's such a hard lesson for me to accept, especially when it involves ones you hold dear, and yet, it's just the truth. Thanks for opening your journey to us all.
ReplyDeleteIt was difficult when my mother thought I was a friend from her church and not her daughter. When she came to live with us, she did not want me out of her sight, so I can understand your mom's frustration and yours too. Love her when you are with her, that is about all you can do. Yes, God's sweet voice tells you the truth. He has this covered, and He has your back. You can't fix it, but He will take care of it all. Thank you for sharing this trying time with us here at Tell me a Story. We are praying for you, your family and your sweet mother.
ReplyDeleteYes, Sharon "HE CAN" ...will...does...is...lean! BLOG. So very sorry n sad n hard!:(my limited response via SMART TV)-Praying w/love 4(((u))) n mom!~Peggy
ReplyDeleteDear Sharon, I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are. God bless you and give you the daily strength and courage you need!
ReplyDeleteSharon, this is so, so beautiful! You say it so well. I heard the same from God when some of my little hard things piled up and crashed on me and I kept saying "I can't!"
ReplyDeleteSharon, a wonderful reminder I need every day - to remember that Jesus can. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI hear you, sister. This boat is crowded. My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers for your mom and family.
ReplyDeleteI too have to be reminded that I can do nothing in and of myself. I also find that my circumstances rarely change until my perspective does...
Thanks for the reminder. We're all in this together.
There is nothing like dementia in a loved one to emphasize helplessness more. Praise God He is does not leave us alone, but will always answer. Thanks for sharing with the Thursday Blog Hop...I know this was a difficult post to write.
ReplyDeleteoh, Sharon! I so can RELATE to your word here on so many levels. It's hard to surrender all sometimes. Ain't it?
ReplyDeletePraying for you, for your mom, and for all the other "stuff" you alluded to. May God give you courage, wisdom, strength, and favor.
Hugs :)
I have this saying between God and I - when I'm at the worrying stage and about to unload on self-destructive anxiety...I say, "Lord, I'm about to go into worry mode, so take it all - ALL I say and do what you will." Sometimes I have to do it a few minutes over and over, but eventually peace reigns over this poor old soul of mine.
ReplyDeleteI relate to this a lot. It is hard when we see people we love struggling and want to fix it but feel helpless. There is peace to be found in handing it over to God and letting him deal with it, but even the surrender is something I can't do on my own. Visiting from Let Us Grow.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sharon. This mirrors my heart and my feelings.
ReplyDeleteHi Sharon, I am so sorry for this very difficult season. I can identify with the "I cannot ..." times. Thankfully our Savior can and we can lean into Him when we just cannot.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and smiles,
Lori
Thank you for sharing your struggle with us here. I'm so sorry for this hard season. Thank you for pointing us to the One who can when we cannot. Praying for His peace and strength for you.
ReplyDeleteSharon,
ReplyDeleteYour words remind me of the last years of my grandmother's life and the struggles my mom walked through as a caregiver. It was hard for them to finally admit they couldn't continue caring for her at the end of her days but in His grace they were a short transition. For me as a granddaughter it was different mix of frustration and while my visits didn't leave her upset as much as my mom's the joy of being recognized was always a thrill. Even when she didn't know my name she knew I belonged to her. Praying for you on this journey. May His grace and peace comfort you.
Thanks for sharing this at #GraceMoments.
Blessings,
Dawn
Thanks for sharing at #bloggerspotlight! Come link up again tonight and see the features.
ReplyDeleteI have been in water and waves like that as a child! It can be such a scary and joyful experience. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. I am sending prayers to you, her and your family. Proverbs 3:5-6 is my soul verse. I smiled when I read it here in your post. Thanks for sharing with #SocialButterflySunday! Hope to see you link up again this week :)
ReplyDelete