It wouldn't be a journey complete if I didn't share with you my feelings this past week.
A week ago Friday, I closed the door at my old address, and made the final trek up the mountain to my new home.
I have one word for the experience – surreal.
Well, actually several words - disruptive, unsettling, fearful, uncomfortable, just plain weird...
Ahead of time, I couldn't anticipate the magnitude of what I would feel. Truthfully, most of what I felt wasn't good. It was an unsettling mixture of fear and sadness and...well, paralyzing fear and crippling sadness.
Once the house was completely empty, I had "The Hub" take pictures of me in every room. I touched the walls – remembered the good memories, and even the bad ones. Then I sat in the entryway and cried.
"The Hub" asked, "What's wrong?"
To his credit, this hasn't been his home for 28 years. My sons are not his sons. My memories are not his. He was never attached to this house – for his heart longed for wide open spaces.
So, to his credit, I gave him some slack for asking a dumb question.
I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "I can't go."
Then, in logical *man-think* he informed me that there wasn't a choice – that the house was sold – there was no turning back, etc. Grab the keys and let's go…
I did – with the heaviest heart I have had in my entire life.
Since we were bringing two cars up the mountain, I had to drive alone. Yes, I called everyone I could think of. Their voices were consoling…and yet, all I could think about was how far I was traveling away from them.
And then, I arrived.
No internet, no TV, spotty cell phone coverage – nothing to distract me from the panic I felt in my heart.
No turning back – that's the chant that I heard over and over in my heart.
I could feel my pulse accelerate, I could feel my breathing become faster and shallower, I could feel my head start to throb…
No turning back.
In desperation, I forced myself to go to church up here last Sunday – and though it was way much smaller than my "mega" church back home, it was God-fearing. I felt consoled to be in the presence of other believers. But, alas, they were still strangers. I sat alone.
Lord, I have never felt more alone in my life.
I'd love to tell you that things have gotten better – that I am calming down and feeling more at home. That I have a positive outlook, and that my faith is soaring. That my body is no longer feeling weird physical symptoms because of the altitude. That I am strong…
I'd love to tell you that – because I'd love to be feeling that way.
This is a psalm of lament, my friends. I'm sorry for that – but you know that I always strive to be honest.
But even the psalms of lament end with some sort of hope.
And that is why I must tell you this.
I do know that I am not alone. God is with me. He lives within me, and I have not moved to somewhere that He isn't.
"You go before me and follow me…I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!" (Psalm 139:5, 7)
These words from a recent devotional comfort me:
"[David] knew that God's being and God's seeing are the same – that the seeing Presence had been with him even before he was born…If God is present at every point in space, if we cannot go where He is not, cannot even conceive of a place where He is not, why then has not that Presence become the one universally celebrated fact of the world?" (A. W. Tozer, "The Pursuit of God")
Yes, God is here – and I celebrate that fact.
How do I know?
Well, for one thing, check out this verse from my one-year Bible reading plan for Friday, June 29th – my first night permanently here in my new home:
"Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD…There he will teach us his ways, and we will walk in his paths." (Isaiah 2:3)
Yes, the same verse God gave me in a devotional when I first looked at this house.
Though so far away from friends and family, He is here.
Though so lonely, I am not alone.
Though afraid, so very afraid, He is with me.
How has God shown you that He is with you in your loneliest moments?
(NOTE: No, I haven't yet solved the internet problem. I've been visiting my folks and sons for a couple of days - and thus, cable internet has been my friend. I will work on solving this problem when I return home. I miss you all TERRIBLY!!)
Linked today with Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
and Joan at the GRACE CAFE
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