Tuesday, July 10, 2012

AN INTERLUDE


It wouldn't be a journey complete if I didn't share with you my feelings this past week.

A week ago Friday, I closed the door at my old address, and made the final trek up the mountain to my new home.  

I have one word for the experience – surreal.

Well, actually several words - disruptive, unsettling, fearful, uncomfortable, just plain weird...

Ahead of time, I couldn't anticipate the magnitude of what I would feel. Truthfully, most of what I felt wasn't good.  It was an unsettling mixture of fear and sadness and...well, paralyzing fear and crippling sadness.

Once the house was completely empty, I had "The Hub" take pictures of me in every room.  I touched the walls – remembered the good memories, and even the bad ones.  Then I sat in the entryway and cried.

"The Hub" asked, "What's wrong?"

To his credit, this hasn't been his home for 28 years.  My sons are not his sons.  My memories are not his.  He was never attached to this house – for his heart longed for wide open spaces.

So, to his credit, I gave him some slack for asking a dumb question.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "I can't go."

Then, in logical *man-think* he informed me that there wasn't a choice – that the house was sold – there was no turning back, etc.  Grab the keys and let's go…

I did – with the heaviest heart I have had in my entire life.

Since we were bringing two cars up the mountain, I had to drive alone. Yes, I called everyone I could think of.  Their voices were consoling…and yet, all I could think about was how far I was traveling away from them.

And then, I arrived.

No internet, no TV, spotty cell phone coverage – nothing to distract me from the panic I felt in my heart.

No turning back – that's the chant that I heard over and over in my heart.

I could feel my pulse accelerate, I could feel my breathing become faster and shallower, I could feel my head start to throb…

No turning back.

In desperation, I forced myself to go to church up here last Sunday – and though it was way much smaller than my "mega" church back home, it was God-fearing.  I felt consoled to be in the presence of other believers. But, alas, they were still strangers.  I sat alone.

Lord, I have never felt more alone in my life.

I'd love to tell you that things have gotten better – that I am calming down and feeling more at home.  That I have a positive outlook, and that my faith is soaring.  That my body is no longer feeling weird physical symptoms because of the altitude.  That I am strong…

I'd love to tell you that – because I'd love to be feeling that way.

I'm not.

This is a psalm of lament, my friends.  I'm sorry for that – but you know that I always strive to be honest.

But even the psalms of lament end with some sort of hope.

And that is why I must tell you this.

I do know that I am not alone.  God is with me.  He lives within me, and I have not moved to somewhere that He isn't.

"You go before me and follow me…I can never escape from your Spirit!  I can never get away from your presence!"  (Psalm 139:5, 7)

These words from a recent devotional comfort me:

"[David] knew that God's being and God's seeing are the same – that the seeing Presence had been with him even before he was born…If God is present at every point in space, if we cannot go where He is not, cannot even conceive of a place where He is not, why then has not that Presence become the one universally celebrated fact of the world?"  (A. W. Tozer, "The Pursuit of God")

Yes, God is here – and I celebrate that fact.

How do I know?

Well, for one thing, check out this verse from my one-year Bible reading plan for Friday, June 29th – my first night permanently here in my new home:

"Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD…There he will teach us his ways, and we will walk in his paths."  (Isaiah 2:3)

Yes, the same verse God gave me in a devotional when I first looked at this house.

Though so far away from friends and family, He is here.


Though so lonely, I am not alone.


Though afraid, so very afraid, He is with me.


Selah.


How has God shown you that He is with you in your loneliest moments?


(NOTE: No, I haven't yet solved the internet problem.  I've been visiting my folks and sons for a couple of days - and thus, cable internet has been my friend.  I will work on solving this problem when I return home.  I miss you all TERRIBLY!!)

Linked today with Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
and Joan at the GRACE CAFE


Comments are OPEN!


BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"

13 comments:

  1. I just got your email response and made a beeline over here to see if you had posted.

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again (and again and again if necessary) I'm praying for you.

    I'm praising Him in advance for his DELIGHTFUL plan. I'll be praying for you to feel His Presence so strongly that the "alone" is driven away.

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  2. Oh Sharon, I so totally understand this. Allow yourself to grieve this transition and to take everything to God. I can't tell you how many pages of my prayer journal I had started it with "I'm not happy here Lord" "I can't do this Lord" "I need you Lord". I'm glad you went to church, I hope they were a friendly bunch and were something friendly. I'd like to tell you in a month it will be better, it will be a bit better, but it will take a while to get used to it all. Will pray for you.....I'm an email away but I realize that is hard if you don't have internet.....hugs to you, I so do understand......

    betty

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  3. I hear your grieving heart this morning Sharon. I am praying right now for God to hold you tight in His arms of love. There IS a grief process and such a sad sense of loss when you go through this kind of move. And as the deepest part of your heart already knows, you are being prepared for God's next for Sharon, even as you grieve the loss of what is past.

    I hear it and I understand it. Praying right now for Sharon, Lord... renew your hope and joy in her heart as she is surrounded by your comforting arms around her. Open up the next chapter of her life to be more than she ever dreamed.

    You just hang in there friend, the best is yet to come.

    xo

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  4. Sharon, as I was praying for you this morning, this thought came to mind, so I'll throw it out, LOL, and see what you think. I was first thinking when I read this, geesh, I'd love to come up and spend a day with Sharon, but that's impossible with my work schedule and who to take care of Koda for that long. So then as I was praying for you, I think God said "why don't you write to her?" So I thought, oh, I could do that. If you feel comfortable with giving me your address, I promise I will guard it with my heart and I'm not a stalker, I'd love to send little notes of encouragement to you; I know its got to be extra hard because you aren't connected with those that can support you through internet/phones, etc. So if you want to, I'd be honored to do it; email me at lv2trnscrb@aol.com if you want with your address........

    hugs dear friend!

    betty

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  5. Praying for you, sweet sister.

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  6. Sharon - I was away on vacation on your moving day, but you were in my thoughts. Praying for you during this time of transition.

    Blessings,
    Joan

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  7. I have been in a similar situation...when we moved away from family, friends and church to Wisconsin. The 90 miles seemed like 9,000 to me at first...and I was lonely too. But over time... this has became home. And now I would never go back. Wishing you God's peace and joy in your new home. Wishing we lived closer...how fun it would be to explore your new view together for just for one day...and praying for you to feel God's presence and your blogging buddies love...

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  8. Praying for you, and loving you.

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  9. Hi Sharon,

    You are in my thoughts and prayers

    Hugs Nita

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  10. Sharon! You have been ever in my thoughts these past couple of weeks! Still digging ourselves out of a trying fortnight as our town was pummeled by the derecho that came through on June 29 - the day you mentioned that the Lord - called you up to your mountain where He will teach you. Felled trees and massive power outages and they way things have always been uprooted and destroyed and replaced with something new . . . a great emptiness in the middle of yards where great trees with wide root systems once resided . . . yes - in some small measure I know your trial in a metaphoric sense.

    And, to some degree - as a former Navy wife with 18 moves under my belt - there were some houses that the leaving was felt keener than others because of the moments shared there.

    Praying for you to know His joy in your new surroundings. Perhaps another reading of Hinds Feet in High Places might not go amiss. Love the Tozer quote. An old friend, he . . .

    Be ye blessed, my friend. I'm as far away as an email for venting if you need. But, Blogland is full of sisters in remote locations who join together in spirit . . . in His presence.

    Wishing you much love and joy, friend . . .
    Kathy

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  11. Sharon - I forgot - I wrote to you above on my homeschool blog - this is Kathryn Ross from The Writer's Reverie!!!

    Be in touch!
    Kathy

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  12. Oh Sharon, I read your post with misty eyes. I understand the feeling of branching out into the unknown.

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  13. Sharon it has been so long and I have missed so much. I hope you are adjusting to your new home. I too have lived for a period without TV, internet. Reading was my pass time. I now have satelite TV and satelite internet, but still no phone or cell service here at my mountain home. I miss my reading as the TV and internet has taken so much of that time. God must have chosen this path for you for a reason. Open yourself to it. I know I sometimes think I could never leave my mountain home to go into town, but I know one day we will no longer be able to keep the work up required here. God will always be by your side no matter where you are. Take this time to reflect in the moments with God in his gift of nature to you. Hugs Carrie

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"So [I] have been greatly encouraged in the midst of [my] troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith. It gives [me] new life to know that you are standing firm in the Lord. How [I] thank God for you!" (1 Thessalonians 3:7-9)

Thanks for your comments - it is such a joy to be sharing my journey with friends like YOU!

(NOTE: Anonymous comments will be removed. Thank you for understanding.)