I'll bet you're wondering where this one's going…
Well, I thought I would post one more "true confession" before I head back up the hill to do battle with the internet…(by the way, I've missed you all soooo much – I'm going to tackle my connection problems head on this week).
OK, true confession.
Last week, my first week living in the mountains, I behaved like a faith toddler – I had a very nice spiritual tantrum, a pity party to rival any party pooper out there.
I basically spent the entire week on the couch.
"The Hub" was busy moving boxes and furniture (which I can't do) – and until the furniture is in place, there isn't a lot of unpacking that I can do (especially when you're being a big baby…)
So, I sat on the couch – single-mindedly and intentionally doing nothing but reading and doing crosswords – (oh, and complaining).
In my defense, beyond the obvious emotional challenges, I had some other interesting stuff to deal with…
The house needs some *work*, and so it's a bit torn up right now. I don't have a kitchen. So, I have to wash my one cup, my one spoon, my one fork, my one knife in the powder room sink.
Some of the toilets and showerheads aren't working. One shower dribbles, and the other one possesses the water pressure of a cheap motel.
The bathroom and kitchen floors are nothing but the wood sub-floor right now. (I have to wear shoes everywhere because of that. I forgot one day and pierced my foot with a carpet tack strip. Tetanus shot or not? See what I mean??)
The satellite guy moved our dish to a "better place" – which turned out to be right in front of a picture window with a great view. We had to wait two days for them to come back and fix it.
I couldn't find our bills.
I have packed away (and who knows where) all but one pair of tennis shoes, one pair of hiking boots, and a pair of flip-flops. Oh, and a pair of cowboy boots – which I had to wear to church last Sunday. Yee haw.
Also this week I have had these mountain adventures:
1. Met a mouse in the garage (where the fridge is right now) - he wasn't cute.
2. Had to chase a chipmunk out of my bedroom - he was cute, but still.
3. "The Hub" caught a rattlesnake in our driveway, put it in a garbage can - and then informed me the next morning that it had escaped.
4. "The Hub" caught a mountain king snake and brought it in to show me - fortunately, I am not terrified by snakes, but still.
To which a dear friend had this comment – "I'm afraid of every one but the chipmunk, and I still do not want ALVIN in the bedroom." (Thank you for the much-needed chuckle!)
You might think that some of these things would challenge you, too. Maybe. But the thing is this – I had a certain determination to have this bad mood, and to not let go of it.
That's the tantrum part.
Remember the old "Donny and Marie" show? Remember how they used to sing "I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll"? Well, I was a little bit Jacob, a little bit Jonah.
When I wasn't wrestling with God, I was running away from Him.
It took a lot of effort to avoid Him.
You see, out of almost every single one of the many windows I have in my house, there is a beautiful postcard view.
I had to catch myself – I would find myself stealing a glance at the beautiful valley, or the majestic granite mountain peaks, or the many green trees, or the sparkling blue skies. I'd start to think, "Oh…what a wonderful sight…"
And then I'd stop myself, and with a little (big) pouty attitude say, under my breath, "But I don't want to be here."
And then I'd storm back to the couch.
Immaturity, thy name is Sharon.
How pity-full. How small.
I've spent a few days back in town with my sons. It's been really fun. And, it's afforded me the time to take a step back and gain some perspective.
I have had quite a tantrum.
I am dismayed at how easily the enemy can use my selfishness and twist me all up into petty knots.
How easily he can turn the call of God into something that feels like a curse.
How easily he can direct my focus away, away from God and fully (foolishly) on myself.
I am dismayed at how easily I can lose control – just because I've lost control over a very big change in my life.
This past week, I took a very good look at myself – and God took a very good look at me.
I hope He loved me more than I did.
Thank goodness, I'm pretty sure that He does!
And what I am learning is that God has much work to do in me – there are things He seeks to teach me up here on the mountain. Things He needs to prune and refine. Things that continue to hamper the Holy Spirit's work.
Oh, Lord – in the stillness and solitude of this very beautiful place, teach me how to be still. Teach me how to praise You for the beauty of Your creation. Teach me how to yield my will to Your perfect plan. Teach me to long for character more than comfort.
Teach me to grow up.
To get a grip.
To let go of myopic self-focus, and to fix my eyes on You.
The tantrum is over.
God brings His peace.
"God does not willingly bring affliction or grief to us. He does not delight in causing us to experience pain or heartache. He always has a purpose for the grief He brings or allows to come into our lives...God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching..." (Jerry Bridges, "Trusting God")
What's gotten you into a spiritual *tizzy* lately?
Linked today with Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"