It's been about a month since I had my *meeting* with the Lord on Good Friday.
That was the day that I nailed my life - my actual physical life - to the cross.
I find it interesting (ironic) that ever since then, I have physically felt crummy.
I reflect back on that day.
Did I give God my life sincerely? Yes, I did. Did I expect Him to do something in return? No, not really. OK, honestly? Maybe. OK, really honestly? Yes.
I wasn't expecting Him to do something, but I know that I wanted Him to do something. I wanted Him to make me feel better.
Does that mean that I didn't really nail my life on that cross? No, I really think I did. No thumbtacks or Post-It notes were in my purse that day. My heart was in the right place.
It's just that I'm too human.
And since that day of commitment, this little spirit of "me" has snuck back in..
I have to constantly battle against my *vending machine* view of God. There continues to live inside of me a part that wants something from God - instead of just wanting God.
It's a recurring theme.
I give God my children, and then I want to run their lives.
I give God my future, and then I worry about how things are going to work out.
I give God my dreams, and then I wonder (impatiently) why He isn't making something happen.
I give God my everything, and then I get miffed that He doesn't give me something back.
That sinful, prideful sense of entitlement that is so insidious.
So, what I am learning is this - that that symbolic gesture, that Good Friday experience that *nailed* me - well, that needs to take place every day.
I know this intellectually - it's just in the area of practical application that I stumble.
God knows this. Praise God He knows this.
And yet, again and again, He keeps whispering the same thing to me that He's been saying for well over a year...
"Sharon, is it really just Me?"
Lord, forgive me for failing to realize that You have already given me far more than I deserve - far more than I could ever earn. You have given me Jesus - and through Him, You have given me His righteousness, His Spirit, His eternal life.
Forgive me for wanting something from You - instead of just wanting You. Thank you that in spite of that, You still promise me rewards. You are graciously generous, and lavishly loving. You are my Father, and I love You.
Now, would someone please hand me a hammer?
I need to do some more nailing...
What do you expect from God? Are you willing to let go of it?
Linked today with Joan at SHARING HIS BEAUTY
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"