There are true confessions…
…and then, there are TRUE true confessions. Confessions that are painful to make – because they make us look really, really bad.
I'm going to make one of those today.
It all started yesterday morning…Sunday morning…God's Day.
So, I had my alarm set for 7:00 AM – giving me plenty of time to snooze a bit, and then get up and get ready for the 9:00 AM service at church.
But, when the alarm went off, I realized that I didn't FEEL like going to church. I had a bit of a headache, I didn't feel like I had gotten enough sleep – but the truth of the matter was that I just plain didn't WANT to go to church…period.
Didn't want to smile, didn't want to visit with people, didn't want to be convicted by the sermon.
You see, I knew that our pastor was finishing his ten-week series on the Ten Commandments. And this week, the message was going to be about coveting. I just wasn't looking forward to that particular "thou shalt not"…
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
But, when I finally woke up again at 9:17 AM, I started to feel convicted. For one reason, "The Hub" wasn't going with me to church this week. And so, I felt I should set a good example, be a testimony.
And I felt that God probably wanted me there.
So I got up and got dressed and put on a face (the Maybelline face, not a happy face) – and finally went in to grab something to eat before I went to the 10:45 AM service.
Doing the right thing.
But not in the right frame of mind.
I was super crabby. Like *bite your head off* crabby. Snappy, snippy, yappy, naggy.
And "The Hub" got the brunt of my bad mood.
(Nice testimony, huh?)
I can't even remember what we talked about in the 15 minutes before I left. All I know is that there wasn't a nice word in there. There wasn't a good attitude. Love, joy, peace – HA! I single-handedly mangled every single fruit of the Spirit in one *wrong side of the bed* harangue.
I'm glad "The Hub" didn’t say "God bless you" as I walked out the front door – I think I would have punched him.
As I drove down the winding, twisty road from our house, I was so irritated.
"I'm so tired of driving this switchback road," I thought to myself. Riding the brakes, watching for squirrels darting out into the road, sliding a bit in the dirt left over from the snow.
Every single time I want to do something.
Oh, and on Saturday, we had had to make our expedition *down the hill* to do the "big city" stuff we have to do from time to time. The banking at the branch, the shopping at a "regular" market, the picking up of a prescription. Luckily, this was one of our faster trips – only 3 ½ hours.
I'm not going to share all the lovely thoughts I had on the drive to church. Suffice it to say, they weren't good – they weren't godly.
That's the true confession.
The TRUE true confession is coming next.
I enjoyed it.
Yes, you heard me right.
I did NOT WANT to change my attitude.
This happens to me sometimes. Sometimes I just like being bad or mad. I enjoy being crabby. I like being sarcastic and mean-spirited. I like talking back and being disagreeable. I find it almost fun doing my best to be as hard to get along with as possible.
I enjoy not being NICE.
Maybe it's because I'm mostly nice, most of the time. And maybe I just get tired of the effort. Or maybe it's just that sinful nature of mine that likes to be let out of the cage once in a while.
No excuses – just the honest truth.
As I continued driving down the road to church, I knew I was in a battle.
A battle I should fight – but it was a battle that I didn't WANT to fight.
So, I walked into church as a quietly rebellious believer. I arrived late on purpose so I didn't have to visit with anyone – (I am terrible). I sang the songs rather half-heartedly. I put my offering into the plate. I went through all the *proper”* motions.
All the time knowing that I needed God to help me. Not just to get me out of my bad mood – but to help me WANT to get out of my bad mood.
Well, the message that our pastor gave was inspiring. Challenging, convicting – in all the best ways. Yes, he addressed the issue of *coveting* – the uncontrolled desire to acquire – to possess something or someone that we don't have.
But, he also spent a great deal of time on the issue of contentment.
About how so many sins seem to emanate from wanting something other…
I painfully began to realize that what I WANTED was to have my bad mood. That I wanted to hold on to it – like it was my right, my possession. I wanted to let it percolate and permeate my spirit.
I realized that I was once again allowing myself to be DIS-content with everything. My aching body, my inconveniences, my husband who wasn't going to be sitting next to me in church, my new house – on and on and on.
(Notice the theme? My, my, my…)
I realized that I was being discontent with kindness, gentleness, and goodness. I was seeking something other…
Something angry, and selfish, and mean.
I was essentially making an idol of my feelings.
TRUEST true confession?
I am a sinner.
And I need – oh how I need – my Lord.
Of all the things that our pastor said, these were the words that hit me over the head – words that God said directly to me:
"DO NOT REPLACE ME."
Once again, I was reminded that I only have one throne in my heart. And there's only room for one person to sit on it. It's my choice. Do I want a snappy, snippy, yappy, naggy tyrant? Or do I want my Savior?
We closed the service with this song – and at the very end, the congregation sang it *a cappella*. My voice cracked, suddenly and unexpectedly, right in the middle of it:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face – (this is where I lost it),
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Yes, contentment leads us to say, "Lord, give me a grateful heart."
And might I just add –
"And Lord, please help me fight the battle I don't want to fight…
…the one against my SELF."
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Philippians 2:13, NLT)
Portrait of a Woman in a Bad Mood?
Do you ever have an *un-godly* attitude that you don't feel like changing? What do you do about it?
Linked today with:
Michelle at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY
Charlotte at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Pamela at A SHELTERING TREE
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
***SIDENOTE: I am having difficulty with some inappropriate comments getting past the Google spam filter. I apologize for this, and if it continues to be a problem, I might have to enable comment moderation. Just wanted you to know!
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"