There are true confessions…
…and then, there are TRUE true confessions. Confessions that are painful to make – because they make us look really, really bad.
I'm going to make one of those today.
It all started yesterday morning…Sunday morning…God's Day.
Yup.
So, I had my alarm set for 7:00 AM – giving me plenty of time to snooze a bit, and then get up and get ready for the 9:00 AM service at church.
But, when the alarm went off, I realized that I didn't FEEL like going to church. I had a bit of a headache, I didn't feel like I had gotten enough sleep – but the truth of the matter was that I just plain didn't WANT to go to church…period.
Didn't want to smile, didn't want to visit with people, didn't want to be convicted by the sermon.
You see, I knew that our pastor was finishing his ten-week series on the Ten Commandments. And this week, the message was going to be about coveting. I just wasn't looking forward to that particular "thou shalt not"…
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
But, when I finally woke up again at 9:17 AM, I started to feel convicted. For one reason, "The Hub" wasn't going with me to church this week. And so, I felt I should set a good example, be a testimony.
And I felt that God probably wanted me there.
So I got up and got dressed and put on a face (the Maybelline face, not a happy face) – and finally went in to grab something to eat before I went to the 10:45 AM service.
Doing the right thing.
But not in the right frame of mind.
I was super crabby. Like *bite your head off* crabby. Snappy, snippy, yappy, naggy.
And "The Hub" got the brunt of my bad mood.
(Nice testimony, huh?)
I can't even remember what we talked about in the 15 minutes before I left. All I know is that there wasn't a nice word in there. There wasn't a good attitude. Love, joy, peace – HA! I single-handedly mangled every single fruit of the Spirit in one *wrong side of the bed* harangue.
I'm glad "The Hub" didn’t say "God bless you" as I walked out the front door – I think I would have punched him.
As I drove down the winding, twisty road from our house, I was so irritated.
"I'm so tired of driving this switchback road," I thought to myself. Riding the brakes, watching for squirrels darting out into the road, sliding a bit in the dirt left over from the snow.
Every single time I want to do something.
Oh, and on Saturday, we had had to make our expedition *down the hill* to do the "big city" stuff we have to do from time to time. The banking at the branch, the shopping at a "regular" market, the picking up of a prescription. Luckily, this was one of our faster trips – only 3 ½ hours.
Inconvenient.
I'm not going to share all the lovely thoughts I had on the drive to church. Suffice it to say, they weren't good – they weren't godly.
That's the true confession.
The TRUE true confession is coming next.
I enjoyed it.
Yes, you heard me right.
I did NOT WANT to change my attitude.
This happens to me sometimes. Sometimes I just like being bad or mad. I enjoy being crabby. I like being sarcastic and mean-spirited. I like talking back and being disagreeable. I find it almost fun doing my best to be as hard to get along with as possible.
I enjoy not being NICE.
Maybe it's because I'm mostly nice, most of the time. And maybe I just get tired of the effort. Or maybe it's just that sinful nature of mine that likes to be let out of the cage once in a while.
No excuses – just the honest truth.
As I continued driving down the road to church, I knew I was in a battle.
A battle I should fight – but it was a battle that I didn't WANT to fight.
So, I walked into church as a quietly rebellious believer. I arrived late on purpose so I didn't have to visit with anyone – (I am terrible). I sang the songs rather half-heartedly. I put my offering into the plate. I went through all the *proper”* motions.
All the time knowing that I needed God to help me. Not just to get me out of my bad mood – but to help me WANT to get out of my bad mood.
Well, the message that our pastor gave was inspiring. Challenging, convicting – in all the best ways. Yes, he addressed the issue of *coveting* – the uncontrolled desire to acquire – to possess something or someone that we don't have.
But, he also spent a great deal of time on the issue of contentment.
About how so many sins seem to emanate from wanting something other…
I painfully began to realize that what I WANTED was to have my bad mood. That I wanted to hold on to it – like it was my right, my possession. I wanted to let it percolate and permeate my spirit.
I realized that I was once again allowing myself to be DIS-content with everything. My aching body, my inconveniences, my husband who wasn't going to be sitting next to me in church, my new house – on and on and on.
(Notice the theme? My, my, my…)
I realized that I was being discontent with kindness, gentleness, and goodness. I was seeking something other…
Something angry, and selfish, and mean.
I was essentially making an idol of my feelings.
Ouch.
TRUEST true confession?
I am a sinner.
And I need – oh how I need – my Lord.
Of all the things that our pastor said, these were the words that hit me over the head – words that God said directly to me:
"DO NOT REPLACE ME."
Once again, I was reminded that I only have one throne in my heart. And there's only room for one person to sit on it. It's my choice. Do I want a snappy, snippy, yappy, naggy tyrant? Or do I want my Savior?
We closed the service with this song – and at the very end, the congregation sang it *a cappella*. My voice cracked, suddenly and unexpectedly, right in the middle of it:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face – (this is where I lost it),
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Yes, contentment leads us to say, "Lord, give me a grateful heart."
And might I just add –
"And Lord, please help me fight the battle I don't want to fight…
…the one against my SELF."
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (Philippians 2:13, NLT)
 |
Portrait of a Woman in a Bad Mood? |
Do you ever have an *un-godly* attitude that you don't feel like changing? What do you do about it?
Linked today with:
Charlotte at WINSOME WEDNESDAY
Pamela at A SHELTERING TREE
Bonnie at FAITH BARISTA
Charlotte at SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS
***SIDENOTE: I am having difficulty with some inappropriate comments getting past the Google spam filter. I apologize for this, and if it continues to be a problem, I might have to enable comment moderation. Just wanted you to know!
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"
Well, I'll have to think about that. I don't think I enjoy being ungodly, but I guess I must confessed I have realized I was acting that way and did little to change it. Maybe that's the same thing? Glad you went to church, it gave us all something to think about!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Anita. It prompted me to re-think and re-word my ending question. Yes, the real crux of the issue is the not *wanting* to change, or just not doing anything about it.
DeleteThanks for your insight!
GOD BLESS!
Oh so glad I am not the only one - Think that is all I can say at the moment Sharon.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless and Thank you for sharing this - Nita xoxo
Bless you for sharing, appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteYep... my voice cracked as I hummed the same lines, just because I have SO been there, and SO need the same answer you did, we all do. It's an ongoing battle in this life, and it probably won't be the last time (aren't I encouraging?) I think the attitude is familiar to each one of us if we are honest. My brother used to say 'sin is just no fun anymore' when he began to walk with the Lord. It's true... He has changed our hearts, and He also knows they still need realignment from time to time. He's up to the job! Thank the LORD!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI loved this blog Sharon.
Love your honesty....love the hymn at the end and what you said about fighting the battle against self! Been there and find myself in that battle again.
ReplyDeleteSometimes and I hate to admit it - I am prickly like that cactus too! sandie
ReplyDeletePerhaps I should be ashamed but I've had some of those same feelings. And sad to say sometimes I completely resisted the voice of reason to go to church. Instead I stewed in the little funk I was end. But your post goes so well with what the pastor spoke on yesterday about not just being obedient but being willing.
ReplyDeleteI like the prickly cactus, Sharon. I think we all get like that sometimes (okay in my case a lot of times) but God always has a way of showing us something either in a song or a scripture or the message that draws us back to him. Glad you did get up and make it to church!!
ReplyDeletebetty
Making an IDOL of your feelings!! That was inspired, and I can't tell you how much I needed to hear it this morning. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I couldn't relate more to the part where you said that you enjoyed the feelings (or however you phrased it.) Laura was home this weekend, and she and I talked about this very thing. We can be so loyal to a bad mood that it's sickening.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I came and read this.
Please, if you would, pray for me that I figure out a way to get out of the exhausted slump I have fallen into. Can't seem to do it on my own.
Great portrait of a woman in a bad mood! I didn't know you were around to snap my picture! ha ha! One thing that really jumped out at me from your post was the part when you wrote that you didn't want to go to church. When that happens to me (or to my husband), we have discovered that there must be something really, really important that God wants us to hear (but 'somebody' else wants to keep from us). Like you, when we have forced ourselves to go and hear the message, God has met us there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your confession today. I love how you are so real in your writing! It just makes me like you even more!
Blessings, Joan
P.S. I've been getting a lot of spam comments lately, too. Since I have "Disqus" comments, all the spam goes into my Google moderation space and then I report them to Google. I hope they stop, though, as they sure are annoying.
ahhh Sharon ... once again you had me laughing and cringing and nodding my head in agreement all at the same time. I've been there - or at least, my version of there. Me - I like to complain about other people - what they did to me, how they've wronged me, what they SAID to me! I can re-tell stories from 10 years ago, and in the retelling I can get just as angry, just as judgmental, and just as unforgiving as I was when it first happened - all over again! And you know what - it's fun.
ReplyDeleteUgh - now you've got me telling true truths! But seriously, it's fun, more fun than I'd care to admit. And yet, the damage that it does to me, the consequences are so high, so lasting, so painful that they hardly seem worth it ... except when I'm in the middle of that argument or just starting to retell that story. In those moments it's really only the GRACE of GOD that ever stops me. Without Him, I'd be stuck in that same pattern every day for the rest of my life!
Ok, Sharon. Were you peeking in on my life? It seems I am in that angry state an awful lot lately. My husband gets the brunt of it as well and it's almost always linked to issues with THAT son. Since I can't yell at him over the hurt he is causing in MY life, I yell just the same about the situation to MY loving husband.
ReplyDeleteI guess I have looked at it more as a venting process, and I've never thought of it as fun. To me, it's sheer torture to have those feelings. But I certainly know THAT MOOD is something I want to hang onto, to cling to, to relish in, I feel justified in doing so.
But the Lord has shown me that I have put THAT son on the throne of my heart--the throne that belongs to the Lord. Breaking free from those thoughts is really a battle. And a lot of times I feel smug about those thoughts--I have a right to think and feel this way--and I don't want to battle them.
As a matter of fact--telling the true truth here--when I came to your site, I was having those negative thoughts about THAT son again and was ready to send him an angry, chastening email! Pretty funny, huh? Send him something chastening. I stared at your page for awhile, and eventually, the Lord's peace came over me and showed me I could send him something encouraging--if anything at all.
Sharon, just think about the peace of God that reigns here on your page. Just staring at it, before I read it, the Lord could give me His peace. Thank you so much for your candid honesty, your heart for the Lord that touches all the readers here, and for your gift of humor that gives us the ability to laugh and see the truth of the sins in our own lives.
God bless you, Sharon, with a great week! Love you, friend.
Janis
Hi, Sharon. Thank you for your open honesty! I have a feeling that started out as something difficult to admit, but once said, it was a relief. I can totally relate to being in a "crabby" mood, especially on Sunday mornings! I think the devil attacks our spirit, specifically at that time to get us away from God's house. I have not only huffed all the way to church, but also sat through the service trying to ignore the sermon, then go home irritated and crabby the rest of the afternoon.(Yep, I admit it.) I've gone back to God later with a contrite heart and sought His forgiveness and strength. Thankfully, the Lord is patient and forgiving. He never gives up on us. I was reminded of this by a friend of mine, after feeling guilty later for actually fighting against being nice in the moment of "crabbiness". God understands, even when our sinful, human heart grows a little cold, and He draws us back to Him. Oh, how grateful I am for that!
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you, friend.
Ann @ Christ in the Clouds
Yikes in that "been there, done that" kind of tone. Aren't you thankful for the grace of God? The small voice that brings our violations to us as we turn our eyes on Him? And then in the confessing we are washed again in His peace.
ReplyDeleteOh Sharon. Thank you for this! I thought I was the only person on earth with this problem. How self absorbed am I to even think I could be so special as to be the only one? I pray the Lord helps you want to fight the battle!
ReplyDelete