I FEEL FAT

Yes, yes I do.

And frustrated.

You see, about 5 years ago I lost quite a bit of weight – like 35 pounds.  It was great!  I felt awesome – both inside and out.  My clothes fit great (and in smaller sizes), and it was actually fun trying on new outfits in the fitting room. Mirrors were no longer my enemy.

And, my body reacted well, too.  My blood pressure dropped, and my blood work was better than it had ever been before!  I felt, and actually was, healthier than I'd been in a good long time.

I kept the weight off for about two years.

And then, we moved.

Quite honestly, when we first moved here to the mountains, I was depressed.  I became a couch potato, and I didn't really feel motivated about exercising or eating right.  Old habits reared their ugly heads, and I gained weight.

I can't tell you exactly how much of that 35 pounds I've gained back – it could be even more than that.  Truthfully?  I haven't been on a scale in more than a year – way more than a year.  So I'm actually too afraid to find out…


You know what's worse than the weight gain, though?

How I feel about myself.

I am angry, disappointed, annoyed, and discouraged.

And I let myself know on a fairly regular basis, too.

Self-talk is wonderful (sarcasm)...

You have no willpower or discipline.

You always sabotage yourself.

You can't get anything done.

You're so lazy.

You can't do anything right.

I can come up with a bunch more self-deprecating statements, but they all add up to one thing in my mind.

You're such a loser.


Now, if I've got any guys reading this post, stick with me.

'Cuz if it's not weight that's bugging you, it will be something else.

Because we ALL have *stuff* that we don't like about ourselves.

Right???

Sometimes I just get tired of being me.

After all, it's been a steady diet of *Sharon* for 61 years now.  

And it seems like so many of the undesirable things I don't like about myself haven't changed at all.  I make the same mistakes.  I have the same shortcomings and faults.  I suffer from the same personality flaws.  I fail at the same struggles, wrestle with the same issues, commit the same sins, and fear the same situations.

I gotta tell you, if we each have an angel assigned to us, I feel sorry for mine.

Picture the annual Angel Convention.  The keynote speaker is Billy Graham's angel.  He's great, and he smiles a lot.

Meanwhile, my angel sits in the back, kinda slunked down in his seat, and self-consciously looks around.  And all he's thinking is this:

"Man, Sharon hasn't changed at all.  How did I get stuck with her?"


So yeah, I get tired of being me.

But, the thing that really scares me is a tiny whisper that echoes in my soul.  I don't like even thinking about it, but I do.

It's this…

Does God ever get tired of me?

There are moments, usually in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, or in the midst of a good cry, when I look up and plaintively ask Him…

"Lord, are You tired of me?"

Sometimes I feel so small in His presence, so unworthy, so messed up.  I feel like I don't make any progress in life.  And not just in human stuff, but in spiritual stuff, too.

Why do I still battle with fear like I do?

Why do I have so much trouble trusting Him?

Why do I want to fix and finagle and force things in my life?

Why do I have to keep being *me*???


If I was God, I'm pretty sure I would give up.  Shake my head and walk away with a sigh.  Abandon the "lost cause" and move on…

I know that's how I feel.

So, head down, shaking it in utter dismay, sighing in my deepest soul, I turn away from God, give up on myself, and walk away.

Until…

I hear it.

Something so small, so soft, so kind – it stops me.

"Did I just hear something?" I say to myself.

No, must be wishful thinking.

But then I hear it again.

"Sharon…"

I stop.  I dare to turn around.  I hope against hope that I am not mistaken.

And lo and behold, I come face-to-face with Jesus.

His eyes glisten with barely-held tears.  His face is full of gentleness.  He smiles.  He extends a wounded hand to me.

And I fall on my face.

He speaks…

"Sharon, I have loved you with an everlasting love.  I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.  I have chosen you to be My own possession.  I have called you by name.  You are mine.  Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I am good, and My steadfast love will endure forever."


Dear one, does this bring tears to your eyes like it does to mine?

And we know that every single word is true because all those statements come directly from Scripture.

I ask my plaintive question again:

"Lord, are You tired of me?"

His answer?

"Never."


So yeah, I've got plenty of things that I'm disappointed in myself about, a bunch of flaws I want to work on, several things I want to fix or improve – and I certainly have room for growth in my faith.

But has God given up?

Does He ever just shake His head and sigh?

Will He ever walk away?

I think not.  And whenever I doubt that, I remember the Cross.


And a wounded hand extended to me…

…all the way into my heart.

Mirror, mirror
on the wall,
Who's the fairest
of them all?
Only Jesus
and His precious face,
And me,
when I
reflect His grace. 

"The LORD appeared...saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.'" (Jeremiah 31:3, NIV)

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end..." (Lamentations 3:22, ESV)

"...the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth." 
(Deuteronomy 7:6, NASB)

"'And you shall be my people, and I will be your God.'" (Jeremiah 30:22, ESV)

"But now thus says the LORD, he who created you...he who formed you...'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.'' (Isaiah 43:1, ESV)

"'To everyone who is victorious I will...give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it.'" (Revelation 2:17, NLT)

"'Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands...'" 
(Isaiah 49:16, ESV)

"'I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.'" (John 10:28, ESV)

"'No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" (Joshua 1:5, NIV)

"For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end." (Psalm 48:14, NIV)

"For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues..." (Psalm 100:5, NIV)

"'I am the good shepherd.  I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.'" (John 10:14-15, ESV)

"...As for us, we will walk In the name of the LORD our God forever and ever." (Micah 4:5, NASB)

Are you looking at your shortcomings, or at the Lord's perfect love?

Linked with:

SHARING HIS BEAUTY, PLAYDATES WITH GOD, SMALL WONDER, MONDAY'S MUSINGS, MONDAYS AT SOUL SURVIVAL, MAKE A DIFFERENCE MONDAYS, GOOD MORNING MONDAYS, GRATEFUL HEART MONDAY, REFLECT LINKUP, FIND STABILITY, WORDS WITH WINTER, TELL ME A TRUE STORY, SOLI DEO GLORIA, TITUS 2 TUESDAY, LIFE GIVING LINKUP, UNITE, TESTIMONY TUESDAY, TELL IT TO ME TUESDAY, TUESDAY TALK, RA RA LINKUP, TELL HIS STORY, WHOLEHEARTED WEDNESDAY, A LITTLE R & R WEDNESDAYS, COFFEE & CONVERSATION, WORD FILLED WEDNESDAY, THREE WORD WEDNESDAY, COFFEE FOR YOUR HEART, WISE WOMAN, WOMEN WITH INTENTION, WAITING ON WEDNESDAY, THOUGHT-PROVOKING THURSDAY, LITTLE THINGS THURSDAY, BELOVED BREWS, LIVE FREE THURSDAY, EVERYDAY JESUS, GRACE AT HOME, SHINE, THOUGHTFUL THURSDAYS, FROM HOUSE TO HOME, HEARTS FOR HOME, FRIENDSHIP FRIDAY, FELLOWSHIP FRIDAY, FAITH FILLED FRIDAY, SPIRITUAL SUNDAYS, COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, MAKE MY SATURDAY SWEET, FAITH & FELLOWSHIP, GRACE & TRUTH, TGI SATURDAYS, DANCE WITH JESUS, SATURDAY SOIREE, STILL SATURDAY, WEEKEND BREW, LIVING PROVERBS, SUNDAY STILLNESS, GIVE ME GRACE



BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"