SUSPICIOUS MINDS

I was talking to my cousin the other night.

I was recounting to her some of the difficult things that happened during the last couple of years with my dad.  The things that happened as he increasingly slid into a state of dementia.  And I told her how one of the hardest things for me to deal with was how suspicious he became.

He was always convinced that my siblings and I were "out to get him."

For instance, my sister and I went over on several occasions to help clean and organize their house.  One day, we happened to be working downstairs.  We could hear our parents talking upstairs.  So, instantly turning into *children* again, we snuck up the stairs to listen in.

I sorta wish we hadn't.

Because what we heard was my dad telling my mom that we were stealing things.  Taking away their silver and jewelry.  Absconding with art pieces. Sneaking precious treasures out of their home.

We heard how he didn't want us there.  How he didn't understand why we had to interfere.  How he didn't trust us.

I'm not gonna lie – it hurt really bad hearing this.

Yes, suspicion and paranoia are common manifestations of dementia.  And the accusations are more often than not aimed at family members.  

This from WebMD: "A person with dementia may become irrationally suspicious of the people around him. He might become convinced, again and again, that someone has stolen his [possessions].  It can be demoralizing – after all the work you do as a caregiver, being called a thief a couple of times a day isn't fun."

But to tell you the truth, knowing the reason for this behavior, and knowing that my dad wasn't in his right mind, may have explained these thoughts – but it didn't alleviate the hurt.

Of course, there were moments of comic relief.

Like the time my sister snuck a beat-up old knife from their very old everyday set of eating utensils and put it in her purse.  And then proceeded to slyly show it to me as she walked out the front door.

"Hurry, start the car!"

We laughed so very hard.

Sometimes, in the midst of the pain, you've just got to laugh.

(And yes, we returned the knife!!)


But now, the pain comes back.

You see, my mom is beginning to suffer signs of cognitive impairment.  And though she hasn't become totally suspicious, there are times when she gets huffy with me, times when she gets angry.

This is not my mom.

My mom is the most gentle, soft-spoken person I know.  She wouldn't hurt a fly, nor would she raise her voice to it.  So, when she looks at me like I'm trying to do something terrible to her, it hurts.

A lot.

I feel like I want to say to her:

"Mom, you've known me my whole life.  Don't you know how much I love you, and that I would only do something if it was for your own good?  How can you mistrust me?  Haven't I proved my character by now?  Don't you know me?"


So, I'm in the middle of the conversation with my cousin when those words came out of my mouth...

...I stopped.

Mid-sentence, mid-thought.

For you see, I had not only just said these words to her, I had also heard them said to me.

Someone had spoken to my own heart.

It's like God gave me a glimpse of how it grieves Him when I feel suspicious of Him.

I wonder, does He sometimes say the same thing to me?

"Sharon, you've known Me all of your life.  Don't you know how much I love you, and that I would only do something if it was for your own good?  How can you mistrust Me?  Haven't I proved My character by now?  Don't you know Me?"


After I hung up with my cousin, I kept thinking about this.  

It must hurt God so much when I doubt His goodness, when I question His motives, when I act like I don't trust Him.

I can hear Him saying – softly, plaintively – with a tear in His eye, a crack in His heart:

"Sharon, don't you know Me by now?"


Oh, how foolish I am!

Hasn't He proved Himself to be completely faithful, trustworthy, consistent, good, loving, kind?

Over and over again?

Yes, He has.

It's life that gets in the way.

It's the lies of the enemy that lie to our souls.

And it's our sin-flawed minds that believe those lies.

For you see, we are not really in our right minds at all.

God is not out to steal our joy, nor is He sneaking behind our backs to do terrible things.  He isn't the devious or misanthropic ogre in the sky.

He loves us.

More than we will ever, ever comprehend.


Do we ever stop to think about what a risk He took when He offered His love to humanity?

Think about it…

The Creator of the Universe opened up His heart, offered His love, knowing that He could be rejected and spurned.

Along with His love, He gave humanity the awful and wonderful gift of free will.

He gave us the freedom to turn our backs on Him.

To hurt Him.

To grieve Him.

And the awful, terrible truth I have come to believe is that I grieve Him when I mistrust Him, when I doubt His love.

Oh, this pains me…

All those things I felt with my dad, the things I am beginning to once again feel with my mom – the sadness, the anger, the pain, the dismay – the horror of hearing them distrust my good intentions – all those things I have caused God Himself to feel.


Lord, I'm so very sorry.

For yes, I know better.

I know You.

Through the centuries represented in Your Word, and through every single day of my own life.

Through the good things and the bad things.

Through thick and thin, one thing remains unchanged…

Your love.

Might I just say this to You:

"I have known You all of my life.  I know how much You love me, and that You would only do something if it was for my own good.  I trust You.  You have proved Your character over and over again.  And yes indeed, I do know You."


His love never changes, never wavers, never diminishes, never fades.

And my love for Him begins…

…when I trust Him.

Have I been so long with you,
and yet you have not come to know Me?
O you, of fainthearted faith.
Why do you doubt?
I am the resurrection and the life.
Do you believe this?
Then do not let your heart be troubled.
Trust in Me.

"Thou wilt keep him in peace; in perfect peace, inward peace, outward peace, peace with God, peace of conscience, peace at all times, in all events.  Trust in the Lord for that peace, that portion, which will be for ever.  Whatever we trust to the world for, it will last only for a moment; but those who trust in God shall not only find in him, but shall receive from him, strength that will carry them to that blessedness which is for ever.  Let us then acknowledge him in all our ways, and rely on him in all trials." 

(From Matthew Henry commentary on Isaiah 26:3)

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him." (2 Samuel 22:31, KJV)

"The Rock!  His work is perfect, for all His ways are just; A God of faithfulness...righteous and upright is He." (Deuteronomy 32:4, NASB)

"The LORD is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes.  He is close to those who trust in him." (Nahum 1:7, NLT)

"And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you." (Psalm 9:10, ESV)

"O LORD my God, in thee do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me..." (Psalm 7:1, KJV)

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You." (Psalm 56:3, NASB)

"This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him." (Psalm 91:2, NLT)

"O Lord, you alone are my hope.

I've trusted you, O LORD, from childhood.

Yes, you have been with me from birth;

from my mother's womb you have cared for me.

My life is an example to many,

because you have been my strength and protection.

And now, in my old age, don't set me aside.

Don't abandon me when my strength is failing.

For my enemies are whispering against me.

My God, please hurry to help me.

I will keep on hoping for your help;

I will praise you more and more.

O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood,

and I constantly tell others about the wonderful things you do.

Now that I am old and gray,

do not abandon me, O God.

Let me proclaim your power to this new generation,

your mighty miracles to all who come after me.

Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens.

Who can compare with you, O God?

You have allowed me to suffer much hardship,

but you will restore me to life again

and lift me up from the depths of the earth.

You will...comfort me once again.

Then I will praise you...

because you are faithful to your promises, O my God." 

(From Psalm 71, NLT)

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." (Isaiah 26:3, ESV)

Do you truly trust the Lord?

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