A couple of weeks ago I thought of those words to describe how I was feeling. I was feeling strong in my faith – in spite of circumstances that were swirling around me. It was a new feeling for me.
I felt mature – a Christian grown-up.
I liked the feeling.
And then life hit.
The details are unimportant. Just know that some bad news arrived on several fronts. And it was upsetting…
The airplane of my life was "grounded" quickly as it crashed into "solid" land.
I think it was even more shocking to fall into discouragement and despair because I fell from such a height of soaring.
I have spent the last two days questioning myself – wondering how it is that I can crumple like a house of cards at the provocation of an ill wind. I am dismayed by that – frustrated by that – confused by that.
It has always been my one wish that there was some sort of spiritual *plateau* at which I could land. A feeling that would abide in me when the storm waves crash, and the wind howls, and the world goes swirly around me.
I suppose I would like to "arrive" in this lifetime.
Of course, I think that's impossible – IF I'm relying on feelings.
Feelings are sinking sand. And a house built on them will always fall apart.
I was reminded of that when I was reading my devotions yesterday. As part of my quiet time each day, I am reading "The One Year Daily Insights by Zig Ziglar." I'm enjoying it immensely. But yesterday, I had one of those "love/hate my devotional" moments (I talked about that here...)
The devotion was all about God's goodness. (The timing – oh yes, the timing…)
And here are the thoughts that really spoke to me:
"All of God's intentions toward us are for our benefit, and His actions are designed to accomplish those intentions…" (really???)
"God's goodness is not confined to what is pleasant…" (evidently not)
"His intent is for us to grow strong in our faith and realize how much we depend on Him…" (the Rock)
"If, AT OUR INSISTENCE, God's goodness were shown only in the narrow, limited giving of pleasant experiences, we would remain spiritual infants. But God insists on us growing up!" (Ouch…growing pains)
I've done several posts on my grappling with the idea of God's goodness – and the meaning of His peace.
Neither is defined by my own understanding – that's for sure.
I am perplexed by that – and comforted.
Bottom line – I really do want God to be bigger than me.
So, I guess I am learning to rely on God – in stormy seas and calm, through thick and thin times, when I understand Him and especially when I don't.
If He isn't God when I'm afraid…He isn't God.
Faith is not feeling – and faith, true faith, is solid and grounded – built on the firm foundation of God's faithfulness.
Oh, right now I am clinging…
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"