I don't want more faith.
I want an easier life.
There, I said it.
The feeling I'm sure we've all had before, and yet were afraid to admit.
But, right at this moment, I need to say it.
On Monday, I received some unsettling news. It involves my health, and it involves waiting for test results…again.
I don't know what to say, you guys – there have been so many health issues in my family these past six months. Most of them have been false alarms, at least in the long-run, but there's been a pretty steady onslaught of *issues.*
And I so need all of you right now to pray for me and my family.
I'm in a cave of fear.
I've spent a lot of time in fear these last few months. I'm tired of it. And yet, quite frankly, I don't really feel like crawling out. I'm dangerously close to that whole "give up" thing that happens in a wearied spirit. Dismay is ruling the day.
I pray for faith.
But, quite honestly, what I really want is for everything bad to go away.
I ask the Lord to forgive me for that feeling.
You see, I'm so sorry that I yearn for comfort more than character. I'm so sorry that I ache for happiness more than abiding joy. I'm so sorry that I want to feel good more than I want to feel faithful.
I'm so sorry, Lord, that I'm not stronger.
See, I need your prayers.
There are many people in my life who watch how I do my spiritual journey. And when I feel like I'm stumbling around, and falling down, and not wanting to get up and fight – well, I feel like I'm letting them down.
I feel like I'm letting God down.
Is it okay to feel scared?
Does that mean that I'm not trusting?
It's funny (ironic, not ha ha) – I just talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego on Saturday. About their strong and determined faith – about how they believed that God would save them.
And then, their "stand firm no matter what" statement – BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T…
They refused to bow down to the enemy, even if it meant their very lives.
Why am I such a coward?
And yet, it occurs to me that they were not saved until they were thrown into the fire. THAT is when the Lord appeared.
Lord, it feels pretty hot in this cave of fear.
Please help me.
Please restore to me the quiet waters – refresh my soul.
The enemy has stepped up his game.
Dear friends, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will enable me to step up mine.
(SIDENOTE: My youngest son said to me today, "I know that God is with all of us in all of this." Bless his heart, his faith spoke to my heart…)
What do you do when fear overwhelms your faith?
Linked today with Joan at the GRACE CAFE
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"