I don't want more faith.
I want an easier life.
There, I said it.
The feeling I'm sure we've all had before, and yet were afraid to admit.
But, right at this moment, I need to say it.
On Monday, I received some unsettling news. It involves my health, and it involves waiting for test results…again.
I don't know what to say, you guys – there have been so many health issues in my family these past six months. Most of them have been false alarms, at least in the long-run, but there's been a pretty steady onslaught of *issues.*
And I so need all of you right now to pray for me and my family.
I'm in a cave of fear.
I've spent a lot of time in fear these last few months. I'm tired of it. And yet, quite frankly, I don't really feel like crawling out. I'm dangerously close to that whole "give up" thing that happens in a wearied spirit. Dismay is ruling the day.
I pray for faith.
But, quite honestly, what I really want is for everything bad to go away.
I ask the Lord to forgive me for that feeling.
You see, I'm so sorry that I yearn for comfort more than character. I'm so sorry that I ache for happiness more than abiding joy. I'm so sorry that I want to feel good more than I want to feel faithful.
I'm so sorry, Lord, that I'm not stronger.
See, I need your prayers.
There are many people in my life who watch how I do my spiritual journey. And when I feel like I'm stumbling around, and falling down, and not wanting to get up and fight – well, I feel like I'm letting them down.
I feel like I'm letting God down.
Is it okay to feel scared?
Does that mean that I'm not trusting?
It's funny (ironic, not ha ha) – I just talked about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego on Saturday. About their strong and determined faith – about how they believed that God would save them.
And then, their "stand firm no matter what" statement – BUT EVEN IF HE DOESN'T…
They refused to bow down to the enemy, even if it meant their very lives.
Why am I such a coward?
And yet, it occurs to me that they were not saved until they were thrown into the fire. THAT is when the Lord appeared.
Lord, it feels pretty hot in this cave of fear.
Please help me.
Please restore to me the quiet waters – refresh my soul.
The enemy has stepped up his game.
Dear friends, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will enable me to step up mine.
(SIDENOTE: My youngest son said to me today, "I know that God is with all of us in all of this." Bless his heart, his faith spoke to my heart…)
What do you do when fear overwhelms your faith?
Linked today with Joan at the GRACE CAFE
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"
What do I do? I generally behave exactly like my friend Sharon.
ReplyDeleteI confess it, for one thing.
Sharon, if there is one thing above all that I love about your spirit is that your heart is fully open before God. I don't think that's bowing to the enemy. I have a feeling that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego might have confessed their fear as well. I have a feeling that as they waited for their fiery furnace moment, they might have whispered to each other, "I'm scared, guys."
Remember, they were hurled into that fire. Not a one of them too a flying leap.
And so, I do what I can do for you as you wait to find out how hot the fire will be. I pray. I have prayed since your email. I will pray until the next one arrives.
I can't remember if I told you this already, but yesterday morning, my Bible study was on a very specific topic: What to do when someone is sick.
See James 5:13-16
I'm believing that mine will avail much.
Bless you, friend! How you get to the heart of all our hearts. You describe in exact language the very culprit that assails when we find ourselves confronting an unknown. Is it friend or foe? Harmless or villain? Been there when son, daughter, or husband are just a bit past there time to arrive home; when there's a strange pain, queer spot; when that cough hangs on or that headache won't go away - on me or my babies. Prayer is our only recourse - prayer and practicality. A practicality borne of prayer - in faith - believing in a God Who hears us and is working all things together for good. Tough to see that in a dark cave. But, I too, know that cave well. I know the swarming chaos swirling in my thoughts in such a dark place. Fear can be formidable - but, Faith is our Master. Be ye at peace - and know ye joy by the end of this day.
ReplyDeletePraying . . .
Kathy
It feels better when we can just put it all out in the open and be honest. Praying that you will be under girded with strength and that God may get the glory.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I do? I cling to Jesus - even if the only way I can do it is the pathetic, needy, desperate way that I would never want a single human being to see.
ReplyDeleteBut the way I figure it, Jesus already knows that's the exact state that I'm in underneath, so putting on a brave show isn't really going to impress him. So in times like these I get pretty honest, and most of the time it gets raw and ugly ... I can't count how many times I've told HIm "I CAN'T DO THIS any more! I WON'T! It's just too much for me" ... but at the end of it all He speaks, and He always knows exactly what to say.
So if you're asking - yes, it's ok to be scared. Elijah ran away and hid in a cave. Even Jesus begged the Father to make another way. I don't think God expects you to be stronger and more faith-filled than Jesus ;)
And in the meantime I will be praying for you - and I will keep praying until you say stop.
I love you,
Paula
Oh Sharon; I'm so sorry. I will definitely pray for you. I think it is okay to be scared and it doesn't mean you have a weak faith or you aren't trusting. I'm sure the three in the fire were scared and Daniel was a bit concerned when thrown into the lions' den, etc with other people faced with impossible situations that seem hopeless. But the key element they, like you, have faith and you know God is in control and that this didn't catch him by surprise, like your son said. We do always want the easiest way don't we? I'm with you on that one, but it is in those trials we grow the best, and I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you, for courage, for strength, for faith, for trust, for healing and we will trust in God. He's never let us down and he never will, no matter what, we know he knows best.
hugs to you
betty
Oh Sharon - I wish you would be more specific - I hear you are afraid and I will be praying for you - I think we all have fears and human feelings practically all the time. At least I do - I am never perfect - but I do have good days when I am feeling pretty much in tune with Jesus! Love, sandie
ReplyDeleteDear friend, Sharon
ReplyDeleteYou have always been so honest in your posts, and today you have done so again. I will be praying for you, and yes, I am facing some fears of my own.
God is able, regardless of how we feel. Aren't we THANKFUL for that? No one said that gratitude and fear are mutually exclusive. As humans we can somehow be both at the same time, even if it is contradictory. The gratitude comes from our understanding of God's love, and the fear comes from our own human frailty.
God knows and loves us as we are, and as He sees us in Christ.
Blessings to you today and throughout the coming day.
...Marsha
Dear Sharon,
ReplyDeleteYou will be in my thoughts and prayers. This seems to be crunch time for a lot of us. I cannot really concentrate at the moment, I will visit again then I am quiet and on my own. In the meantime, I am thinking of you -
Sending you warm hugs - Nita
The first thing that drew me over here was our mutual Westmont alumni connectiion. But the biggest thing to me about your blog is that you SAY it like I FEEL it!!! Time after time. This is no exception.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you have my prayers, today and each day as you move ahead with whatever is in your life right now.
Second, one of my favorite quotes is Spurgeon... 'faith is the hand that grasps'. That's what we do, we hold on, we stand, right in the blasted MIDDLE of whatever is going on!! GOD takes that hand and even when we don't feel it at the moment, He is holding us tight. He is holding you right now.
Love you Sharon, your posts are ME... and I am so sure that God is in whatever is going on. I will pray beleiving!
xo
I love you, friend. I was blessed, not only by your post, but by the comments ~ your sisters in Christ who have grabbed the corners of your mat and are lowering you to the feet of Jesus. You are in my prayers. You are loved. You are blessed in the midst of trials.
ReplyDeletePraying right now! Our pastor has preached on this so much as he has fought through brain cancer. I can't help but think of how his testimony has circled the globe with the words from scripture...He can, He will and even if He doesn't! As they stood solid God allowed them to walk the streets with their testimony...just think, people looked up and said, "hey aren't those the men that were thrown into the furnace?'
ReplyDeleteYou have stood firm and I will keep you in my prayers as you see God show himself strong in this situation! Praise God you know where your strength comes from.
Sweet, sweet blessings to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteSharon:
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, my friend. And yes, Joan gets fearful also when faced with difficulties. (We've had a few health issues in our family over the past few months.)
But never let anyone convince you that you don't have faith or tha you aren't faithful. It's not the amount of faith, it is the object of your faith, Jesus Christ, that matters.
Please know that you are in my prayers.
Blessings,
Joan
Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you! God understands our fear...that's probably why He gives us so many wonderful "fear not" verses in His word! Just remember, that He is with you during this trial. He will NEVER let you go! Cling to Him and His word and remember that you are loved. I will pray for peace that is beyond understanding, strength that can only come from God, and a faith that could be added to the Hall of Faith in Hebrews!
God has a plan, and His plan is good!
Blessings friend, Joan
God is there to comfort and strengthen and you. Your trial at this time is producing Godly results even if you can't see them right now. Cry out to Him, He knows what you are feeling anyway then place your total trust in Him and may His peace surround your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
ReplyDeleteCourage only comes where fear is already present. Some of that fear is unavoidable, even constructive, but never when it paralyzes. Walk down that long dark tunnel that opens before you and you find Jesus already in it, waiting, expectant.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, dear Sharon, holding you in my heart until this storm passes and we all rejoice in what God is doing!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Mary
I have battled fear concerning my health...I have faith..I know God is on control and yet still I battled. What have I done in the past? I have called a "sister" in the Lord..someone I knew who would point me to truth. On one particular occasion she just kept reading different scripture to me, remindinding me of what God said....his promises....his truths..she encouraged me to write down some truths from God's word and just read them over and over again..I have a page I tore from my journal from that day stuck in my bible....cause those days still continue from time to time and I need to be reminded
ReplyDeleteSo do not fear, for I am with you do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will stregthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand Isaiah 40:10
Will be praying for you Sharion
Sharon, I am praying for you! This is our flesh that gets tired! Our Spirit wants to soar! ♥♥♥
ReplyDelete