I've really debated about writing this post.
I'm all for baring my soul, but this is pretty naked…
But, I feel led to be this honest with you.
So, you're invited to the Pity Party. Yup, whining and complaining will abound. "Woe is me" is the secret password. Oh, poor pitiful me…
You see, lately I've been wearing green-eyed glasses. Looking at other people's pastures, and convincing myself that they are indeed greener.
Now, I am not caught up in wanting a bigger house, or a new car, or any of a number of material things. "Keeping up with the Joneses" is not my particular temptation. (Who are those silly Jones people anyway??)
No, my Pity Party isn't about worldly things.
It's worse than that.
It's about spiritual things.
You see, what I really want is a *bigger* ministry. OK, that's the really, really "naked" part – the ugly part I'm so ashamed of – the part that I feel I must be honest about, even if it hurts.
Do you ever feel this way – (another one of those moments when it would be really good to know that I'm not alone…)
I am feeling restless, and impatient. I desire so deeply to make an impact for the Lord. I want to have a *voice* for Him. I want to use any gifts that He's given me. And yet, I feel like I'm sitting on the sidelines, warming the bench – while everyone else is being called into the game.
(Oh, this is ugly…)
On the one hand, I am overjoyed that people are speaking for the Lord. That their words are getting out to people. That God's Kingdom is being advanced with the gifts and talents of others.
I really, really am happy about this.
And that is the rub. The selfish "but" that I have. The "hitch" that I have in my heart. The ugly little voice that says deep in my soul, "Lord, what about me?"
(Oh, I am so ashamed…)
I know that in some ways this is a good desire. The Lord calls us to serve Him, and a desire to serve Him isn't bad in itself – not at all. However, when God's timing doesn't match ours, and when His timing seems to be happening for others – that's when the insidious arrows of the enemy start flying…
And I have all too often allowed myself to be a target.
Lord, forgive me.
Again, the same voice that I have heard over and over – and the same words that I can't escape…
"Sharon, is it really just Me?"
I blogged about this before. How we really need to love God, and God alone, even more than what we can do FOR Him. It has to be about Him…alone.
So, to my surprise (but not really) – God showed up today at my Pity Party.
He sat down.
And my whining and complaining stopped. My "woe is me" quickly turned into just WHOA.
He didn't say anything until I sat down quietly. I put my head in my hands, and I cried. I let out everything to Him.
"Lord, I really love You. I really do. Most of all. But I just want to feel like it matters that I'm here. I just want to know that I have an influence on others. I want to share You with them, and I want to be noticed for it. Oh Lord, forgive me – it all sounds so selfish."
I couldn't look at Him – until He took His hand and raised my chin so He could look deeply into my eyes.
Wonder of wonders, His eyes had tears, too.
"Lord, why are You crying?"
"Oh dear one, I am crying because You don’t understand something so very important."
I thought – it has to be that I'm a selfish, jealous, proud person. He must be so disappointed with me.
"I know, Lord. I'm so sorry."
"No, Sharon. I'm not talking about that. Those feelings are not right, but they're human. I forgive you for those. But I am talking about this – you don't understand how very, very much I LOVE YOU. How I delight in you. How it just pleases Me so to know that you are alive, and that someday you will be with Me in eternity…
…I am sad that your perspective is so small."
Tears are pouring down my face now.
"How I wish you understood this truth – that it isn't what you can DO for Me that matters to Me, for it is up to Me what and when and where you serve Me. What touches Me is that you WANT to serve Me. I am overjoyed at your love. It's what I died for. It is YOU – just YOU – that matters to Me.
It's all about your heart, and about conforming to the image of My Son. It isn't the action of doing that I want, it's the being of sanctification that I'm seeking."
Dear God – my dear, dear God.
"Love Me, Sharon – and that's more than enough. Because I love you – and that's more than enough."
Yes, it is.
Green glasses off – for a new purpose I see.
LOVE the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength…
This Pity Party is officially OVER!
BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"