MY OWN UNDERSTANDING

Lean not.

Yes, I know…

But I'm really having trouble with that lately.

You see, it's been a long few months with all sorts of "issues" in my family (medical, financial, emotional - you've got the same stuff). And quite frankly, I'm exhausted. Really, really tired. Emotionally, physically – and yes, even a little spiritually.

I just can't seem to understand why God won't bring a little respite from it all.

I feel like I've been climbing up the side of a mountain – making a little progress here and there – sliding back quite often – but definitely running out of energy and motivation.

Lord, could I just have a few ledges here and there to rest on – just for a moment?

A couple of weeks ago, I shared with you a calling that God has been bringing to my heart. I think He's been pretty clear about it, and I believe that He's given me several confirmations. However, as soon as I started telling people about it, as soon as I blogged about it – negative things started happening in my life.

And I just don't understand.

Yes, intellectually I know that we are to expect struggles and suffering and difficulties in this life. I KNOW. But oh, I am having trouble understanding why the way has become so wrought with "onethingafteranother"…

Lord, I'm tired.

And I'm tired of trying to figure it all out.

(Yes, I did hear the Lord just say, "Precisely.")

So, of course, in the middle of this, I had one of those "love/hate my devotional" moments (I blogged about that here). I'm reading in Matthew right now, and I came upon this verse:

"But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few find it." (Matthew 7:14)

I've heard or read this verse countless times before. But something jumped out at me this time.

Yes, I know the road is narrow – very narrow.

But, Jesus Himself said it is ALSO difficult.

I began to see a new truth in this. As I increasingly seek to follow Jesus ever more closely, the road will not only get more narrow, it will get more difficult.

Jesus does indeed turn everything upside down. And though I might expect an easier way as I follow Him more and more – He tells me it will become harder. The narrow path will lead into the thick woods, and through dense thickets, and the sun might grow dimmer, and the air much colder.

The path might become overgrown and I will need my Guide more and more. The way will become hard…

Cross-carrying is like that.

Jesus knew that – He knows that.

That's why He promised that though we will have many trials and sorrows on this earth, He will give us peace in HIM.

"…take heart, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

Those words are indeed heartening.

I was talking to my son the other day – we were commiserating about our various trials. And then this is what I said to him:

"You know, if someone was to ask me how I feel about the Lord right now, I'd say I don't think I've ever felt closer to Him. The less I know, the more I love Him."

I stopped myself.

I realized that I had spoken without thinking – that this was not a thought that came from my mind, but rather straight from my innermost heart. My spirit had cried out.

Yes, the less I understand – the more I love Him, the more I rely on Him, the more I trust Him.

In all my ways, I am seeking to acknowledge Him.

And He has promised to direct my paths. NOT to make the road less narrow. NOT to make the way easier. NOT to appease my understanding.

But, to lead me where He leads.

As long as I see Him ahead of me, beside me, behind me – I will follow.

Lean not.

I will only lean on the everlasting arms of my Savior. Tired little soul that I am, I will lean…

The less I know, the more I love Him.

How about you? Where are you leaning without understanding?

(Come join me today at HEAR IT ON SUNDAY, USE IT ON MONDAY!)

BLOG = "Blessedly Leaning On God!"